三分钟搞笑演讲稿
民国年间，军阀韩复渠斗字不识一升。
但他在任省主席时，却爱冒充斯文，到处讲演。
他在齐鲁大学的一次演讲，就是一篇难得的奇文: 诸位、各位、在齐位：今天是什么天气，今天就是演讲的天气。
来宾十分茂盛，敝人也实在感冒。
今天来的人不少咧，看样子大体有8\\\/5啦，来到的不说，没来的把手举起来
很好，都来了
今天兄弟召集大家来训一训，兄弟有说得不对的，大家应该相互原谅。
你们是文化人，都是大学生、中学生、留洋生。
你们这些乌合之众是科学科的，化学化的，都懂得七八国英文，兄弟我是大老粗，连中国的英文都不懂。
你们大家都是笔杆子里爬出来的，我是炮筒子里钻出来的。
今天来这里讲话，真使我蓬荜生辉，感恩戴德。
其实，我没有资格给你们讲话，讲起来嘛，就像对牛弹琴，也可以说是鹤立鸡群了。
今天，不准备多讲，先讲三个纲目。
蒋委员长的新生活运动，兄弟我举双手赞成。
就一条，行人靠右走，著实不妥。
大家想想，行人都靠右走，那左边留给谁呢
还有件事，兄弟我想不通。
外国人在北京东交民巷都建立了大使馆，就缺我们中国的。
我们中国为什么不在那儿建个大使馆呢
说来说去，中国人真是太软弱了。
第三个纲目，学生篮球赛，肯定是总务长贪污了。
那学校为什么会那么穷酸
十来个人穿著裤衩抢一个球，像什么样
多不雅观。
明天到我公馆领笔钱，多买几个球，一人发一个，省得再你争我抢的。
今天这里没有外人，也没有坏人，所以我想告诉大家三个机密：第一个机密暂时不能告诉大家，第二个机密的内容跟第一个机密一个样，第三个机密前面两点已经讲了，今天的演讲就到这里，谢谢诸位。
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求搞笑演讲稿，三分钟的
在《爱情公寓3》中陆展博有写给曾小贤一份演讲稿。
。
无敌搞笑
策划部部长的就职演讲稿3~5分钟
竞选策划部部长演讲稿各位老师、同学们大家好
我是来自学生 社团联合会宣传策划部的干事陶梓林，很荣幸能有机会参加这次竞选，我竞选的职务是宣传策划部部长。
去年10月，我通过笔试面试加入了宣传策划部，在这个部门工作已经快一年了。
期间参与了“春之声”“秋之韵”的宣传工作以及协助一些社团活动 的宣传。
在这过程中，我感受了很多，也了学到很多。
宣传策划部的主要工作是负责学生社团联合会以及大型社团活动的整体宣传策划和推广工作，同时对学生社团活动的宣传进行必要的帮助和指导以及对学生社团的宣传活动进行监督管理。
作为宣传策划部的部长，应当具备一定的组织协调能力和强烈的责任感，还要有深刻的思想认识和判断能力。
在宣传部策划部工作的这一年，我学会了怎样与人相处，协调各成员的关系；学会了如何处理工作与学习的矛盾；学会了思考问题并主动去解决问题；最重要的是，我找到了自信，知道我有能力去做并能够做好。
在前几任部长的带领下，宣传策划部在各方面的工作都有不俗的表现，也形成了相应的制度。
但是随着时间的推移和对工作认识的加深，以及社团和社团联的不断发展，我们部门存在的一些问题也开始显露出来。
只有解决这些问题，部门乃至社团联才会进步，才会有更好的发展。
一、要加强内部管理制度，强化组织纪律严格的纪律是完成各种工作的保障，要在执行各项已有制度的基础上，加强和完善制度。
例如加强值班、例会的守时观念，要求干事在规定的时间内合理安排完成任务，并在规定时间内进行反馈，便于发现问题，及时处理。
要培养每个人的主人翁精神，使他们形成强烈的集体责任心和使命感。
二、要加强宣传策划部与各社团宣传部门的沟通，形成紧密的联系我们的工作主要是围绕社团活动开展的，但是目前，我们部门与社团联系太少，致使我们的宣传工作与他们的宣传脱节。
因此，我们必须加强与他们的沟通，例如完善专题座谈会的有关工作，实行社团责任制等，通过方式加强对社团的关注，及时了解他们在宣传工作上的问题。
三、加强本部门与社团联其他部门的联系，建立完整高效的工作体系我们部门拥有独立的办公室，这方便了我们的工作，同时也拉开了与其他部门的联系，也给我们的工作带来了很多不便。
所以，我们应当在熟悉自己职能的基础上，了解其他部门的工作性质及工作内容，形成团结互助，共同发展的观念，建立起完整高效的工作体系。
本文来源于百分网（），转载请保留此标记，谢谢
四、加强本部门成员的集体意识，培养他们团结合作的能力及各方面的工作技能我们部门在后期的工作中，出现了人心涣散，人员流失的情况，这也是我们面临的比较严重的问题。
就我在这个部门工作一年的经历，我觉得是部门体制存在漏洞。
因此，我们要改革部门体制，比如说定期对成员考核，指出其优点和缺点，以朋友的身份与他商讨解决方案并制定出下阶段的计划 。
经常与他们谈心，彼此交流对生活、工作的看法，让每个成员在部门里找到归属感，真正投入到宣传策划部这个集体中。
五、注重宣传工作的细节，提高对细节的要求，实行奖惩制宣传是一个连续性强、时间空间范围较广的工作，在制作宣传工具的过程中，例如活动时间、地点、活动单位网址等细节问题易被忽视，不是忘记写，就是写错，字体大小、位置安排不合理，这些都会在一定程度上降低大家的关注度。
所以必须在这些方面加大管理力度，我的建议是实行奖惩制，在我们的部门内部也可以进行类似于工作之星的评比，根据每次活动的表现及其他成员的反映，加星或减星，每两周汇总一次，对表现突出的成员进行表扬 ，对表现较差的予以提醒并单独进行教育。
作为宣传部的部长，应该在努力工作地同时，不断提高自身素质，提高自己的工作积极性，以饱满的热情和积极的心态去影响团队成员；要进一步提高责任感，在工作中大胆创新，锐意进取，虚心学习，广纳贤言，接受意见，有错就改，同时坚持自己的原则。
更要在秉承前几任部长优点的基础上，改善部门现有的问题，加强部门建设，努力把它打造成高度自制，能力卓越的团队。
谢谢!
跪求一篇搞笑的演讲稿，不要太长，3分钟左右就可以了。
急用啊
快
是你选学生干部要用啊
还是类似美国总统的就职演说
要是你自己用，你得把中文写出来才能给你翻译啊，否则不认识你怎么给你写。
要是美国总统的就职演说，那容易了，下面给你一个。
里根1981年1月20日的就职演说。
To a few of us here today, this is a solemn and most momentous occasion; and yet, in the history of our Nation, it is a commonplace occurrence. The orderly transfer of authority as called for in the Constitution routinely takes place as it has for almost two centuries and few of us stop to think how unique we really are. In the eyes of many in the world, this every-4-year ceremony we accept as normal is nothing less than a miracle. Mr. President, I want our fellow citizens to know how much you did to carry on this tradition. By your gracious cooperation in the transition process, you have shown a watching world that we are a united people pledged to maintaining a political system which guarantees individual liberty to a greater degree than any other, and I thank you and your people for all your help in maintaining the continuity which is the bulwark of our Republic. The business of our nation goes forward. These United States are confronted with an economic affliction of great proportions. We suffer from the longest and one of the worst sustained inflations in our national history. It distorts our economic decisions, penalizes thrift, and crushes the struggling young and the fixed- income elderly alike. It threatens to shatter the lives of millions of our people. Idle industries have cast workers into unemployment, causing human misery and personal indignity. Those who do work are denied a fair return for their labor by a tax system which penalizes successful achievement and keeps us from maintaining full productivity. But great as our tax burden is, it has not kept pace with public spending. For decades, we have piled deficit upon deficit, mortgaging our future and our children's future for the temporary convenience of the present. To continue this long trend is to guarantee tremendous social, cultural, political, and economic upheavals. You and I, as individuals, can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but for only a limited period of time. Why, then, should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? We must act today in order to preserve tomorrow. And let there be no misunderstanding--we are going to begin to act, beginning today. The economic ills we suffer have come upon us over several decades. They will not go away in days, weeks, or months, but they will go away. They will go away because we, as Americans, have the capacity now, as we have had in the past, to do whatever needs to be done to preserve this last and greatest bastion of freedom. In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem. From time to time, we have been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. But if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price. We hear much of special interest groups. Our concern must be for a special interest group that has been too long neglected. It knows no sectional boundaries or ethnic and racial divisions, and it crosses political party lines. It is made up of men and women who raise our food, patrol our streets, man our mines and our factories, teach our children, keep our homes, and heal us when we are sick--professionals, industrialists, shopkeepers, clerks, cabbies, and truckdrivers. They are, in short, We the people, this breed called Americans. Well, this administration's objective will be a healthy, vigorous, growing economy that provides equal opportunity for all Americans, with no barriers born of bigotry or discrimination. Putting America back to work means putting all Americans back to work. Ending inflation means freeing all Americans from the terror of runaway living costs. All must share in the productive work of this new beginning and all must share in the bounty of a revived economy. With the idealism and fair play which are the core of our system and our strength, we can have a strong and prosperous America at peace with itself and the world. So, as we begin, let us take inventory. We are a nation that has a government--not the other way around. And this makes us special among the nations of the Earth. Our Government has no power except that granted it by the people. It is time to check and reverse the growth of government which shows signs of having grown beyond the consent of the governed. It is my intention to curb the size and influence of the Federal establishment and to demand recognition of the distinction between the powers granted to the Federal Government and those reserved to the States or to the people. All of us need to be reminded that the Federal Government did not create the States; the States created the Federal Government. Now, so there will be no misunderstanding, it is not my intention to do away with government. It is, rather, to make it work-work with us, not over us; to stand by our side, not ride on our back. Government can and must provide opportunity, not smother it; foster productivity, not stifle it. If we look to the answer as to why, for so many years, we achieved so much, prospered as no other people on Earth, it was because here, in this land, we unleashed the energy and individual genius of man to a greater extent than has ever been done before. Freedom and the dignity of the individual have been more available and assured here than in any other place on Earth. The price for this freedom at times has been high, but we have never been unwilling to pay that price. It is no coincidence that our present troubles parallel and are proportionate to the intervention and intrusion in our lives that result from unnecessary and excessive growth of government. It is time for us to realize that we are too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We are not, as some would have us believe, loomed to an inevitable decline. I do not believe in a fate that will all on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. So, with all the creative energy at our command, let us begin an era of national renewal. Let us renew our determination, our courage, and our strength. And let us renew; our faith and our hope. We have every right to dream heroic dreams. Those who say that we are in a time when there are no heroes just don't know where to look. You can see heroes every day going in and out of factory gates. Others, a handful in number, produce enough food to feed all of us and then the world beyond. You meet heroes across a counter--and they are on both sides of that counter. There are entrepreneurs with faith in themselves and faith in an idea who create new jobs, new wealth and opportunity. They are individuals and families whose taxes support the Government and whose voluntary gifts support church, charity, culture, art, and education. Their patriotism is quiet but deep. Their values sustain our national life. I have used the words they and their in speaking of these heroes. I could say you and your because I am addressing the heroes of whom I speak--you, the citizens of this blessed land. Your dreams, your hopes, your goals are going to be the dreams, the hopes, and the goals of this administration, so help me God. We shall reflect the compassion that is so much a part of your makeup. How can we love our country and not love our countrymen, and loving them, reach out a hand when they fall, heal them when they are sick, and provide opportunities to make them self- sufficient so they will be equal in fact and not just in theory? Can we solve the problems confronting us? Well, the answer is an unequivocal and emphatic yes. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, I did not take the oath I have just taken with the intention of presiding over the dissolution of the world's strongest economy. In the days ahead I will propose removing the roadblocks that have slowed our economy and reduced productivity. Steps will be taken aimed at restoring the balance between the various levels of government. Progress may be slow--measured in inches and feet, not miles--but we will progress. Is it time to reawaken this industrial giant, to get government back within its means, and to lighten our punitive tax burden. And these will be our first priorities, and on these principles, there will be no compromise. On the eve of our struggle for independence a man who might have been one of the greatest among the Founding Fathers, Dr. Joseph Warren, President of the Massachusetts Congress, said to his fellow Americans, Our country is in danger, but not to be despaired of.... On you depend the fortunes of America. You are to decide the important questions upon which rests the happiness and the liberty of millions yet unborn. Act worthy of yourselves. Well, I believe we, the Americans of today, are ready to act worthy of ourselves, ready to do what must be done to ensure happiness and liberty for ourselves, our children and our children's children. And as we renew ourselves here in our own land, we will be seen as having greater strength throughout the world. We will again be the exemplar of freedom and a beacon of hope for those who do not now have freedom. To those neighbors and allies who share our freedom, we will strengthen our historic ties and assure them of our support and firm commitment. We will match loyalty with loyalty. We will strive for mutually beneficial relations. We will not use our friendship to impose on their sovereignty, for or own sovereignty is not for sale. As for the enemies of freedom, those who are potential adversaries, they will be reminded that peace is the highest aspiration of the American people. We will negotiate for it, sacrifice for it; we will not surrender for it--now or ever. Our forbearance should never be misunderstood. Our reluctance for conflict should not be misjudged as a failure of will. When action is required to preserve our national security, we will act. We will maintain sufficient strength to prevail if need be, knowing that if we do so we have the best chance of never having to use that strength. Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. It is a weapon that we as Americans do have. Let that be understood by those who practice terrorism and prey upon their neighbors. I am told that tens of thousands of prayer meetings are being held on this day, and for that I am deeply grateful. We are a nation under God, and I believe God intended for us to be free. It would be fitting and good, I think, if on each Inauguration Day in future years it should be declared a day of prayer. This is the first time in history that this ceremony has been held, as you have been told, on this West Front of the Capitol. Standing here, one faces a magnificent vista, opening up on this city's special beauty and history. At the end of this open mall are those shrines to the giants on whose shoulders we stand. Directly in front of me, the monument to a monumental man: George Washington, Father of our country. A man of humility who came to greatness reluctantly. He led America out of revolutionary victory into infant nationhood. Off to one side, the stately memorial to Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence flames with his eloquence. And then beyond the Reflecting Pool the dignified columns of the Lincoln Memorial. Whoever would understand in his heart the meaning of America will find it in the life of Abraham Lincoln. Beyond those monuments to heroism is the Potomac River, and on the far shore the sloping hills of Arlington National Cemetery with its row on row of simple white markers bearing crosses or Stars of David. They add up to only a tiny fraction of the price that has been paid for our freedom. Each one of those markers is a monument to the kinds of hero I spoke of earlier. Their lives ended in places called Belleau Wood, The Argonne, Omaha Beach, Salerno and halfway around the world on Guadalcanal, Tarawa, Pork Chop Hill, the Chosin Reservoir, and in a hundred rice paddies and jungles of a place called Vietnam. Under one such marker lies a young man--Martin Treptow--who left his job in a small town barber shop in 1917 to go to France with the famed Rainbow Division. There, on the western front, he was killed trying to carry a message between battalions under heavy artillery fire. We are told that on his body was found a diary. On the flyleaf under the heading, My Pledge, he had written these words: America must win this war. Therefore, I will work, I will save, I will sacrifice, I will endure, I will fight cheerfully and do my utmost, as if the issue of the whole struggle depended on me alone. The crisis we are facing today does not require of us the kind of sacrifice that Martin Treptow and so many thousands of others were called upon to make. It does require, however, our best effort, and our willingness to believe in ourselves and to believe in our capacity to perform great deeds; to believe that together, with God's help, we can and will resolve the problems which now confront us. And, after all, why shouldn't we believe that? We are Americans. God bless you, and thank you.
竞选班长幽默点的演讲稿1到3分钟的。
大家好兄弟姐妹叔叔阿姨好，今天本选班长，班长这个职好当，但是我一定会努力的，身为伟大的班长一定要解决同学们的难题，比如今天谁没钱吃饭了可以问我借我就给谁借，利息的话不用给太多，班长吗，助人为乐，或者是谁想吃泡泡糖啥的我当上班长后就会给谁买，一个优秀的班长得处处到位，喜欢吃柠檬味的还是苹果味的我一定尽量满足。
而且学习上不懂的可以问我，我不懂了帮你们去百度查，但是（声调提高），我当班长各位同学可能要辛苦点，我会严格要求各位同学的，不为别的只为你们的未来，如果我当上班长后各位对我不满的话可以随时给老师提出来，我绝无怨言。
谢谢
给一个三分钟的餐饮经理任职演讲稿
各位领导、同事： 大家好
我很荣幸能担任餐饮经理，首先要感谢各位领导和同事对我的信任和对我成绩的充分肯定。
我一定不会辜负大家对我的期望。
在此，谈几点认识。
我在从基层做起，对各项工作非常熟悉，也很热爱。
餐饮经理的工作不仅需要精通餐饮各个环节的流程而且要有灵活的现场应急能力、良好的沟通技巧、敏捷的执行力，更需要和各餐饮员工的大力支持，协调好内部员工之间的关系。
我有自信也有能力能把管理工作做好，请大家拭目以待。
谢谢大家
希望能帮到你
求一篇竞选组织部部长的演讲稿
能在3分钟内念完
亲爱的老师同学们大家好
首先我感谢大家对我的信任和支持，我一定会把XX委员做好，尽自己最大的努力,李白在《北风行中写到：“燕山雪花大如席，片片吹落轩辕台。
”这里描绘的景物给我们这样深刻的启示：一片雪花是那样单薄平常，只是一个小小的个体，而片片雪花就构成了一个集体，它们就能把轩辕台染成一片雪白。
所以，个人的力量是有限的，而集体的力量的是无限的。
我也许就如那片雪花般平凡，可是因为有了你们的支持与信任，一种责任感油然而生：我要让片片雪花，凝成一个雪球，爆发出巨大的能量。
所以我希望大家能团结起来，互相进取，互相帮助，我个人的力量是很微小，我需要每个人的支持。
我们每个人与班级的关系，就像一滴水与大海的关系。
每一滴水只有在大海中才不会消失，人只有在集体中才能生存。
你也索取，我也索取，向谁索取
你不奉献，我不奉献，靠谁奉献，我想大家一定不会吝啬一个笑脸，一个眼神，一声关怀，一把帮助…只有我们每个人都拧成一股绳，才会创造出一个团结，友爱，奋斗的新集体。
俗话说：没有规矩不成方圆没有规矩不成方圆。
最后我想再说的是希望同学们能真正的努力起来。
我要的说的话就是全心全意为班级服务，我会以自己的行动来证明我所说的一切,做到言必行，行必果。
我都会尽我最大的努力，为大家服务，并且希望，我的工作赢得你们的尊重。
谢谢
高中学生会生活部竞选时，的演讲稿要三分钟的，比较搞笑活泼一点的，
十分理智的友谊是人生的无价之宝，你能否对你的朋友守信不渝，永远做一个无愧于他的人，这就是你的灵魂、性格、心理以至于道德的最好的考验，趁着你神智清醒，请不要犹豫，选我； 俗话说患难见真情，不错，在困境中，在需要认可时，来自朋友的鼓励显得特别可贵，有时，哪怕是一个信任的投票，也会像一簇炭火，在冰天雪地中送给人温暖，别犹豫了，动动手指，为我投出你明智的一票
