卢鑫玉浩相声成长的烦恼台词，急急急
卢鑫玉浩《成长的烦恼》相声台词剧本（老友记）卢鑫：弟弟你想起来了
玉浩：想起什么来了
这不海尔兄弟嘛。
卢鑫：对，我们就是海尔兄弟呀。
玉浩：我们是海尔兄弟
卢鑫：嗯。
玉浩：我们穿的有点多了吧
卢鑫：长大了要懂得羞耻。
玉浩：废话，你得知道羞耻了，还海尔兄弟了。
你见过穿裤衩，站这说相声的吗
卢鑫：小时候就可以呀，小时候多好啊。
小小少年，没有烦恼，穿着裤衩，到处跑。
玉浩：俩臭流氓，你听听。
卢鑫：当然现在不让穿了。
玉浩：废话。
卢鑫：我俩都三十多了，往这一站说相声。
玉浩：表演。
卢鑫：当然这算好的。
玉浩：这就算好了
卢鑫：当年，跟我们在电视台，一块录动画片那些小伙伴，现在好多都不干这行了。
玉浩：唉，你先等会，你先等会，咱还有小伙伴。
卢鑫：小伙伴你也不记得了
玉浩：我这脑子有点懵。
卢鑫：来，你看，他你认不认识
戴眼镜那个。
玉浩：大兵老师嘛。
卢鑫：什么大兵老师，小头爸爸。
玉浩：他怎么能是小头爸爸呢他
卢鑫：你看不像吗
你看看那脑袋，看看。
玉浩：不是，像，他也不是小头爸爸。
卢鑫：我这么问你吧。
小头爸爸姓什么，你知道吗
玉浩：不知道。
卢鑫：大兵老师姓什么，你知道吗
玉浩：不知道。
卢鑫：这还不明显吗
但是我要批评小头爸爸。
（未完）注：本文来自《中文台词网》更多内容移步微信公众号：
卢鑫玉浩相声小品成长的烦恼最后的歌
1.迈克的心理学教授对杰生说：“你应该以一个父亲的身份看你儿子的作业，而非一个专家。
2.当杰生的母亲欧玛要同澳利结婚时，欧玛开导儿子：“世界上只有一个尼克西弗（杰生的父亲），没人能取代他在我心中的位置，但空想一个不存在的人是没有意义的。
” 3.杰生对迈克说：“有时人生最大的乐趣，就是有点荒唐。
” 4.杰生走错了门，打扰了一位陌生人：“对不起，让你受惊了。
” 陌生人回答：“很荣幸。
” 5.杰生对迈克说：“孩子需要父母理解，但有时父母也需要孩子的理解。
” 6.迈克的戏剧教授说：“世界是一个大舞台，男男女女不过是演员，每个人都有不同的入口和出口，每个人在鼎盛时期都扮演不同的角色。
” 7.当卡萝尔跳健美操时从天花板上掉了下来：“我可以用秤砣证明这不是我的错。
” 8.杰生提着卡萝尔的箱子：“这里面什么东西这么重
” 本恩插嘴：“卡萝尔的粉刺霜。
” 9.当杰生和迈克失意时：“月亮圆了，难怪女人要发疯。
” 10.“半杯水不是半空，而是半满
”困难时杰生鼓励大家，“我们要苦中作乐，把不快当橄榄嚼
” 11.麦琪对杰生说：“有的人10年后才会回忆10年前的事，你就是这样。
卡萝尔从天花板上掉下来，我们的信用卡被用来充公，迈克的水床成了一片汪洋，10年后这些都会变成甜蜜的回忆。
” 杰森（看到麦琪的新衣服）：Wow! 麦琪：只要1500法郎，好看吗
(Only fifteen hundred frances.What do you think?) 杰森：亲爱的，漂亮极了。
(Honey,it's gorgeous.) 麦琪：这么贵你不心疼吗
(You didn't wince at the price.) 杰森：因为我不知道今天美元和法郎的汇率是多少。
(Yeah,well that's because I don't know the exchange rate today.) 杰森（掏出一盒首饰）：你在下面买衣服的时候，我给你买了样东西，特意留在晚上给你看。
(When you were down buying that,I bought you something that I'd kind of like to see on you.) 麦琪：杰森，哦，哦，哦
（激动得往阳台楼下吐起来）(Jason! Oh!Urghhh!) 杰森：提醒我给楼下拉门的小费。
(Remind me to tip that doorman.)
怎么才能把卢鑫玉浩相声成长的烦恼里面的圣斗士星矢那个变成铃声
超喜欢在线等
是韩国男子天团BIGBANG组合的歌《BangBangBang》
成长的烦恼里的一段台词
这个词在中文版被翻译作“蛐蛐”，不知道是否精确。
但是它的真实意思一定是一个发音另类，意思不好的词。
成长的烦恼 英文原版台词
Growing Pains 101 Pilot第一集 出师受挫Jason: Alright lady drop that spatula . or you're scrambled Maggie: Go ahead, make my day. Well, I guess I showed you.Jason: Show me moreMaggie: Oh Jason, the kids.Jason: I can kiss the kids later. You know I read an article that said that two career couples should really make a special effort to always remain...frisky .Maggie: At breakfast?Jason: At all meals.Mike: What's the matter? You guys aren't gettin' enough?Jason: Michael, a lot of kids would get smacked for a remark like that.Mike: Come on dad, you can't hit me you're a liberal humanist .Jason: Could be an accident.Carol: Could be a dream come true.Mike: Mom, can't we sell Carol and get a tape deck for the Volvo?Carol: Mike, you give new meaning to the word vacuous.Mike: Oh yeah? What was the old meaning?Carol: I rest my case .Jason: Ben! Ben! What's so funny Ben?Ben: That Phyllis George, she's screwed up again.Maggie: Hey, what's that you're reading about?Carol: Well it says here that as the universe expands, all matter is degenerating into a state of total disorganization .Maggie: Thank god I thought it was just me.（Mike在电话）Mike: So what are you guys doing tonight? The House of Sweat, yeah great! Hey look can I talk to you guys later, yeah, bye.Maggie: Mike, what is The House of Sweat?Carol: It's that new under twenty dance club on Geravo Turnpike.Mike: Yeah, and it sounds like a great idea mom. It's a safe, wholesome place for teens to congregate .Maggie: And the larger the group, the smaller their brains get.Jason: Oh come on Maggie!Mike: Yeah, come on Maggie! Yes well time to go wait for that school bus; you know if I hurry I can still get a seat in the non-smoking section.Maggie: Good day! Bye sweetheart. Bye Ben, love you!Jason: Catch you later Ben! I still have some paper work to do before my nine o' clock gets here, and if you start feeling frisky and you have eight of ten seconds before work, you know where to find me.Maggie: Ben, what are you doing here you'll miss the bus. What's the matter honey?Ben: Dad didn't know how to do my elbow .Maggie: Oh? Let me see. Oh dad did a great job on these cuts...Superman Band-Aids - the works. Oh I get it, he didn't kiss it better...and say I love you little pumpkin head .Ben: It was all so clinical. Mom, how come you had to go back to work?Maggie: I didn't have to Ben, I wanted to. Come here. Ben, imagine you had to spend fifteen years in this house, without ever going out to play. You'd go crazy wouldn't you? Well believe it or not, a lot of grown-ups feel the same way about work.Ben: That's sick mom.Maggie: Ben, I know this has been a big change for all of us, and I worry about not being here for you because...well...you're the youngest. And I worry about not being here for Carol because she's a girl, and she needs her mother. And I worry about not being here for Mike, to keep him from accidentally blowing something up. And believe me I worry about leaving your father here to cope with all you monsters .Ben: You shouldn't worry so much mom, you'll make yourself crazy.Maggie: I love you.patient: It's always the same dream Doc. I on a subway, and this woman sits across from me...beautiful woman! And I look at her, she looks at me. I lick my lips, she licks her lips. This goes on, and finally she leans across and she whispers to me: you have huge knees. Does that mean anything Doc?Mike: I should be good for about five bucks a piece.Jason: Good visit Waller, and hey don't worry too much about this thing, ok? See you next week. Bye bye!Mike: Can I talk with you for a second dad?Jason: Sure.Mike: In your office. Kids!Jason: So, you wanted to talk about something...Mike: Yeah, erm, mostly I just wanted to mention how smoothly things have been running, since the wife went back to work, and you moved your practice back into the house.Jason: Well thank you.Mike: Dad, we've been friends now for a long time...right?Jason: Off and on , yesMike: I know, I love that. See dad, you know that dance hall place I mentioned this morning...Jason: The House of Sweat.Mike: Yeah, yeah. Jerry and I were talking and we decided...Jason: Jerry?Mike: Yeah, Jerry Delish. He's an older friend of mine, an excellent driver, with two years of drivers A.Jason: Two years of drivers A?Mike: Yeah, you see in his first class he ran over a dog...but he drove beautifully after that, and we're talking one tiny, wreckless little dog here dad.Jason: tough break .Mike: So anyway I was thinking that maybe we could go down there tonight, and Jerry would drive so you wouldn't have to....Jason: what would your mother say?Mike: Mom? I guess she would say...what's the phrase I'm looking for here dad?Jason: NO!!Mike: Yeah that's it. I guess that means I can't go, right?Jason: Well, it just means I don't like you coming in, and trying to get away with something.That's not the relationship I wanna have with you.Mike: I'm sorry dad.Jason: Alright now look. Now that I'm in charge at home, we can try things my way.Mike: Alright!!Jason: You don't even know what my way is?Mike: Sure I do dad, it's a Sinatra song.Jason: You're workin' a fine line here Mike. Ok look, here's the deal. I'll give you a little more freedom, you've got to promise me a lot more responsibility.Mike: Hey, no problem dad. I swear, I am ready for total responsibilityJason: Mike, I'm not ready for total responsibility.Mike: You're right, sorry.Jason: Ok? You go out and have a good time. Just remember what we talked about.Mike: Absolutely dad, thanks, I promise. Wait, what about mom, what if she's mad?Jason: Mike, your mom's not an ogre ...I'll talk to her she'll understandMaggie: You let him do what?Jason: Maggie, he's fifteen years old now.Maggie: So what! He's fifteen! It's completely arbitrary to just pick an age like that, and say that is when a kid is mature.Jason: You know that by the time Mozart was fifteen, he'd written seven symphonies .Maggie: That's because Mozart's father didn't let him go to The House of Sweat. Who did he go with?Jason: I don't know. Some kid...Jerry Dolish, Dellish.Maggie: Jerry dog killer Dellish.Jason: Maggie, he hit one dog.Maggie: Yeah, but he hit it four timesJason: Ok, well, err, Mike isn't Jerry, and a kid needs some freedom in order to learn responsibility.Maggie: Ah Jason I know you believe in this unlimited human potential...stuff. And that's great for your patients, but when...maggie and Jason: ...it comes to your own children...Maggie: ...I believe in original...Jason: ...sin .Maggie: Sin. Oh I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have gone back to work.Jason: Now come on Maggie, don't say that. Now you took fifteen years off, to raise a family, and you deserve to go back to work now. You just have to have a little more faith in me and the kids.Maggie: Oh, maybe you're right.Jason: Course I'm right. We shouldn't be worrying, we should be...celebrating, Which is why I've taken the liberty of placing a little chilled Champagne in a bucket beside the bed...slipped some satin sheets on the old bouncer.Maggie: satin sheets, you?Jason: yeah, well the gut in the store showed me some before and after pictures of a couple who tried them and....they looked very...satisfied.Maggie: And what about Ben, and Carol?Jason: Well I slipped some sleeping pills into their Gatorine. They'll be asleep for about three weeks.Maggie: Jason!Jason: Well I didn't really, but they are fffrrrr, and we can frrefderrtt!!!! Hello. Yeah this is Jason Seaver. No you must be looking for someone else because....take your clothes off...no, no, our Mike is only fifteen, so he wouldn't be driving a car..I see.Maggie: What did he say?Jason: He said, “that's why your Mike is in our jail.”prisoner: What are you in for kid?Mike: I killed a man, just to watch him die. You?prisoner: Unpaid parking tickets.Mike: Oh no it's my mom!Jason: Come on Maggie, we don't even know the facts yet. I mean it's not so unusual for a teenage boy to have a minor run-in with the police. Some of these guys can be real macho headbangers .policeman: Hiya! You folks care for some hot cocoa? I just made a fresh pot.Jason: look, we're the Seavers. You've locked up our son. An officer claimed he was driving a car.policeman: Ah yes sir, we...er...picked him up in the House of Sweat parking lot. He was driving in circles for approximately twelve minutes.Jason: Ok, so a fifteen year old boy drives his friend’s car around the lot a few times.policeman: Oh did I mention, he side swerved a police car on the way out?Jason: he what?policeman: He tore that bumper off like he was peeling an orange. A three hundred and fifty dollar orange.Mike: Hiya dad...mom. You look good tonight. You look young!prisoner: Come on son.Mike: Mom, dad, this is Jerry. I guess it's kind of hard to see the basis of our friendship, huh?Jason: I dunno , he has a certain...care free charm.Mike: you should see him when he's sober .Maggie: Mike! You will be grounded for two months.Mike: Two months!?! Dad can't you talk to her?Jason: Oh I did Mike. Originally it was one month.Mike: That means you added a month.Ben: Nothing gets by you ，does it
Mike: Dad you said you'd talk to her.Jason: Damn it Mike!!! You said you'd act responsibly, now I don't wanna hear another word out of you is that clear?ben and Carol: Wow.Maggie: Oh yeah, our romantic evening. Anyone who's not used to satin sheets could easily have an accident.Jason: Maggie, don't patronize me!! Ok?! And where the hell are my pyjamas ?Maggie: Gee I'm sorry I'm really not sure.Jason: Well you wouldn't think it would be so damned tough to keep tabs on a pair ofpyjamas around here!!!!Maggie: Jason, I don't understand why you're so upset . I mean it's not like this is the first time he's screwed up .Jason: Who's screwed up?Maggie: Mike.Jason: Who said anything about Mike. I'm upset because I can't find my pyjamas. I mean if you'd left a pair of pyjamas around...and these are big pyjamas I'm talking about...and they just vanished into thin air...well wouldn't you be pretty upset???!!!!!Maggie: Absolutely. In fact I'm amazed at the way you're holding it together.Mike: What?Carol: I...I've never seen dad, actually too mad to talk.Mike: Well thanks for your support, you know I feel like a new man now.Carol: I'm sorry. Look it's not so bad, I bet in a year he'll look back on this whole thing and laugh. Ok, maybe chuckle .Jason: Ok, I admit it...I'm upset with Mike.Maggie: Oh?Jason: Aren't you?Maggie: Absolutely, I'm furious...but no more furious at him than I've been a dozen times before. I mean he's a kid Jason, what did you expect?Jason: Yeah, but he said, not three feet away from me, and he said dad I swear it, I'm ready for total responsibility.Maggie: Jason, you are not ready for total responsibility. I mean face it, the boy's fifteen.He's a hormone with feet.Jason: I know, I know I know but someday that hormone will be a man, and I want that man to have a sense of responsibility.Maggie: Go talk to him. You won't sleep if you don't. Don't worry, I'll continue the search for the pajamas.Mike: What?Jason: You were asleep.Mike: I was? I was and it was a dream...Jason: Uh-uh.Mike: Oh, still angry? Hey dad, I know this is no excuse, but Jerry's car handles really badly. And I was the one who decided that Jerry was too drunk to drive.Jason: Mike he was unconscious
Mike: I know.Jason: and what are you doing with a kid who drinks like that?Mike: I should have called you.Jason: Why didn't you?Mike: Well dad there were these girls there...Jason: Ah course! Wouldn’t want them to think you had parents. Mike what kind of relationship are we gonna have if I can't trust you?Mike: I guess I'm just a jerk , maybe you shouldn't trust me.Jason: Well that's certainly one way to go. That's the way my father went with me. I guess I hoped that when I had a son it would be different.Mike: I know dad.Jason: Mike you probably don't remember this but, when you were three weeks old, I took you to the Mets home opener, cradled you in my arms...up comes Don Clendenin...hits a shot of the left field score board to win in the twelfth. I hugged you real tight, jumped you up and down, and you, you threw up in your complimentary Mets batting container.Mike: I'm sorry dad.Jason: It was my fault, I never should've let you suck that beer off my finger.Mike: No dad, I meant about tonight, I'm sorry.Jason: Well, thank you.Mike: You know dad, I try, I really try, but sometimes, almost without wanting, I just find myself doing something really stupid.Jason: Sort of an uncontrollable impulse huh?Mike: yeah!Jason: Or is it more like you think you're doing something really stupid, and then you weigh you chances of getting away with it and if they're better than ten percent, you go for it.Mike: Yeah!Jason: That's why you're grounded for two months.Mike: yeah.Jason: Well if it makes you feel any better, I did some pretty lamo things in my day.Mike: You?Jason: Yeah!Mike: like what?Jason: Well like I remember when I was sixteen, me and some buddies , we drove around town one night, mooning everybody. We even mooned the mayor's wife.Mike: you dad?Jason: Uhu. Yeah we got arrested for indecent exposure . Had to let us off though...mayor's wife refused to make an identification.Mike: You dad?Jason: Will you stop saying that!Mike: Does mom know about this?Jason: You kidding? How do you think we met?Mike: Alright dad! Hey dad you ever get the urge to do dumb stuff now?Jason: No. No, no I don't Mike. I think that's what being an adult is all about .Mike: Oh. Alright, good night dad.Jason: Night son. Hey! Come back in here for a second.Maggie: (singing) I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, a tumbling down. I feel my heart start to tremble whenever you're around...ooohh baby when I see your face.ben, carol and Mike: (singing) Blue river, wider than a mile(Andy Williams-Moon river)
相声新势力《成长的烦恼》台词
【卢鑫】感谢大家的掌声鼓励。
【玉浩】非常感谢。
【卢鑫】初赛播出完以后我们上街，现在很多人认识我们。
【玉浩】哦，很多人都熟悉您。
【卢鑫】都熟悉我，正在街上走着，天雷滚滚。
【玉浩】看过那初赛的节目。
【卢鑫】正吃着饭呢，天雷滚滚。
正上着厕所呢，天雷滚滚。
【玉浩】转过去。
上厕所就别往这转了。
【卢鑫】现在我听这四个字我害怕。
【玉浩】这怕什么呀
这证明火了呀。
【卢鑫】这有什么火的。
【玉浩】怎么了
【卢鑫】没有我们小时候火。
【玉浩】不是，咱小时候火过呀。
【卢鑫】各位可能不太了解我们，我们两个小时候是小童星。
【玉浩】小童…别介，你可能是小童星，我肯定不是。
【卢鑫】不，你是。
【玉浩】不是，不是。
【卢鑫】咱俩小时候是组合，特别火。
【玉浩】你别闹啦，小时候我都不认识你，我跟你组合
【卢鑫】不是，你不太记得了，小时候你出了个事，失忆了，你不太记得。
【玉浩】等会儿，我出什么事了，我失忆了就。
【卢鑫】就在路上走着，摔了一跤，头磕屁股上，失忆了。
【玉浩】打住
我头磕谁屁股上了。
【卢鑫】磕你自己屁股上了。
【玉浩】我头，磕我自己屁股上了
【卢鑫】嗯
【玉浩】您说这刑法叫腰斩吧。
【卢鑫】没那么严重，就是腰折。
【玉浩】那也受不了腰折了又。
【卢鑫】咱俩小时候还出过一个单曲。
【玉浩】我还跟你出过单曲
【卢鑫】打雷要下雨。
【玉浩】雷欧【卢鑫】下雨要打伞。
【玉浩】雷欧
