小品《问路》的台词要完整的
找台词~视频把
英语搞笑小品剧本（要简单点）
12分钟好象有点长，我这里有我参加“星星火炬”的剧本。
参考一下额 Time ancient times. Character Mister Dongguo, wolf, hunter, old apricot tree, Lao Niu, old farmer. In wilderness the mist and dust is billowing, shouts the acoustic shock day. In shouted that, fight wolves!pursues (a wolf belt arrow wound to go on stage) wolf: I originally am come from the north wolf, but in today the arrow was injured (wolf lamely to run) [ Mister Dongguo to carry on the book pouch, on the one hand walks on the other hand self-effacingly recites poetry.) Guo: From a pot of wine among the flowers I drank alone. There was no one with me -- Till, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon To bring me my shadow and make us three. (Between the flower a pot liquor, drinks alone without the intimate. Raises glass invites the bright moonlight, becomes three people to the shade) (suddenly to discover on road crowd of ants, heart of the mercy, has lifted a foot does not endure to lay down) Guo: (Reads) walks not injuries the cricket 蚁命 manner to have to have the mercy heart (cautiously to bypass ant, after continues to lead the way) (field shout big quake) Guo: What happened next? The United States military has joined battle with Iraq? (Wolf runs has come up) the wolf: The adult saves a life, behind had a hunter to have to peel my skin, rescued me! Guo: Good good, is the person to want to be sincere (was saying behind, dismounts the package, all but actually came out the inside book) Guo: You first hide in this package (wolf lamely sneak in package) (Mister Dongguo to carry book pouch, continues to walk) (on hunter) the hunter asks Guo: Ask scholar's, has seen the wolf which was injured to pass a moment ago? Guo: Not. Hunter: Thanks gentleman. After (under hunter) (waits hunter to walk far, Mister Dongguo put wolf from book pouch has gotten down) Guo: The hunter walked, you in a big hurry escape the wolf: Is not I does not want to walk, I really am tired hungry Guo: What then you do want to eat? Wolf: I must eat your meat! ! (Reveals fierce and antagonistic expression) Guo: Why then you do want to eat me? I have graciousness and you Wolf: Because you me stuffily in book pouch too long Guo: Really is the good intention not good newspaper. Is not good, I must go ask the person to figure out! (Said, brings wolf to go) (to walk to an old tree under) Guo: Sets up eldest sister, I rescued the wolf, the wolf have actually had to eat me. You to me comment this principle! Tree: Should eat! (Wolf self-satisfied has smiled) the tree: Your humanity endlessly cutted the piece of trees, continually our these old trees do not let off, burns us with the fire. Why can't the wolf eat you? Ate you to be able few individual to damage the nature (under old tree, wolf slowly approached Mister Dongguo) (by now on cow) Guo: Holds on a minute, lets me ask Niu eldest brother Guo: Eldest brother Niu, my good intention has rescued this wolf, now it actually must eat me. Should you said? Cow: This! Our Lao Niu gives birth to must do this for your humanity to do that, drinks or our milk. But we only eat the worst fodder every day, rest the worst cowshed, you also had to dig up our cowhide to make money. The old wolf should eat you. Wolf: (Sneers). Looked you also have any flattery (under cow) (on farmer) Guo: And so on one and so on, the distant place has come an old farmer. Asks him to figure out, if he said you should eat me, I have complied with. Wolf: Good, I give you last the opportunity. Guo: The old uncle, I has rescued this wolf, it actually ungratefully must eat me. You said this makes sense? The farmer asks the wolf: Why did you want to eat your savior? Wolf: He too has been stuffily long me in the book pouch, almost suffocates me (farmer to take up book pouch, about about looks at) the farmer: Was this book pouch such small, how many installs the book all not to be able to install, how installed under you? Or you demonstrate to me have a look? Wolf: The demonstration (said on the demonstration, earth-boring auger has leisurely gone in) the farmer to settle on the time, grips tightly the book pouch mouth, ties up with the string. The wolf on is stranded in the inside farmer: Silly scholar, the wild animal eventually is a wild animal, could not change natural disposition. Is the person surely not to be able to be excessively benevolent! Guo: (Nod name is) indeed indeed, declines office due to old age the uncle to teach the farmer: Then the present, we solved it (say. Two people treat the book pouch to pummel, the farmer also uses the hoe to pound the wolf. The wolf sends out the sorrowful bugle call in inside, one could not not then have the sound of something astir) (farmer and Mister Dongguo shook hand, separates from each other) The curtain falls, all actor goes on stage. 时间 古代。
人物 东郭先生、狼 、猎人、老杏树，老牛、老农。
” 荒野中烟尘滚滚，喊声震天。
内喊：“打狼啊，追啊 （一狼带箭伤上场，） 狼：我本是一只来自北方的狼，无奈今天中箭受了伤 （狼跑下） 〔东郭先生背着书囊上，边走边摇头晃脑地念诗。
） 郭： From a pot of wine among the flowers I drank alone. There was no one with me -- Till, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon To bring me my shadow and make us three. （，独酌无相亲。
举杯邀明月，对影成三人） （忽然发现路上一群蚂蚁，顿起慈悲之心，已举起的一只脚不忍放下） 郭： （念）走路莫伤蝼蚁命 为人要有慈悲心 （小心翼翼地绕过蚂蚁，继续前行） （后场喊声大震，） 郭：又发生了什么事
美军又与伊拉克交战了吗
（狼跑过上来） 狼：大人救命，后面有个猎人要剥了我的皮，救救我吧
郭：好吧好吧，做人要厚道 （说着，卸下背后的包，把里面的书都倒了出来） 郭：你先躲在这个包里吧 （狼地钻进包里） （东郭先生背着书囊，继续走） （猎人上，） 猎人问郭： 请问秀才，刚才看见一只受伤的狼过去了吗
郭：没有啊。
猎人：谢谢先生。
（猎人下） （待猎人走远后，东郭先生把狼从书囊里放了下来） 郭：猎人已走，你快快逃命去吧 狼：不是我不想走，我实在是又累又饿 郭：那你要吃什么
狼：我要吃你的肉
（露出凶狠表情） 郭：那你为何要吃我
我有恩与你 狼：因为你把我闷在书囊里太久了 郭：真是好心没好报。
不行，我要去找人评理
（说完，带着狼向前去） （走到一棵老树下）郭：树大姐，我救了狼，狼却要吃我。
你给我评评这个理
树：该吃
（狼得意的笑了） 树：你们人类无休止地乱砍乱伐，连我们这些老树也不放过，用火来烧我们。
狼为什么不能吃你呢
吃了你就能少个人来祸害大自然了 （老树下，狼慢慢逼近东郭先生） （这时牛上了） 郭： 且慢，让我去问问牛大哥 郭：牛大哥，我好心救了这只狼，现在它却要吃我。
你说该不该
牛：该
我们老牛生下来就要为你们人类干这干那，喝的还是我们的奶。
可我们每天只吃最差的草料、睡最差的牛棚，你们还要扒了我们的牛皮去赚钱。
该吃你。
狼：（冷笑）。
看你还有什么好说的 （牛下）（农夫上） 郭：等一等，远处来了一位老农夫。
找他评理，要是他说你该吃了我，我就遵从。
狼：好，我就给你最后一次机会。
郭：老伯，我救了这只狼，它却忘恩负义地要吃我。
你说这有道理吗
农夫问狼：你为何要吃了你的救命恩人
狼：他把我闷在书囊里太久了，差点闷死我 （农夫拿起书囊，上下左右看了看） 农夫：这书囊这么小，装书都装不了多少，怎么装的下你
要不你示范给我看看
狼：示范就示范 （说完，慢慢悠悠地钻了进去） 农夫看准时间，把书囊口扎紧，用绳子绑好。
狼就被困在里面了 农夫：傻秀才啊，野兽终究是野兽，改不了本性的。
做人千万不能过分仁慈
郭：（点头称是）的确的确，多谢老伯教诲 农夫：那么现在，我们就把它“解决了吧” （说罢。
两人对着书囊拳打脚踢，农夫还用锄头砸狼。
狼在里面发出哀号声，不一会便没了动静） （农夫与东郭先生握了握手，分道扬镳） 幕落，全体演员上场。
剧本是我自己写的，希望给你帮上忙啊
谁学校举行英语节，谁有英语小品的剧本
不要太长也不要太短，最好有中文
帮帮忙把
Big words of western tour （大话西游）Chapter 1Site：The weddingCharacters:牛魔王 、至尊宝、紫霞、小妖Aside: The story begins with a wedding. The Bull King is going to have a concubine.牛：Today is my wedding. I am going to have a concubine. Ha ha ha …….妖：Concubine? Dose your wife agree to it?牛：Oh! She is not lovely anymore. She’s right now at the Flame Mountain. She can do nothing about it!(至尊宝从后台走入人群中)牛：Let me introduce my brother to you! My bro!Come here! This is my brother.(牛深情地转向紫霞)牛：Zixia, listen to me. I think I ‘ve fallen in love with you once I know you. I want to show my sincerity. So I request you to marry me in front of my bros. This Pandora’s Box is my gift to you. I hope you would say yes.妖：I object!牛：What?妖：Zixia has a means to test her lover. If you can pass it, I will shout up!至：What’s this? Really?妖：This test is that she would marry the guy who can make her Magic Sword go out of the scabbard.(剑从至的怀中落下)妖：Magic Sword?牛：Let me do this!(紫跑出，拾剑)紫：It’s not true! It’s just a joke. It is still meaningless even if you can put it out!(紫跑下)妖：King, Iron Fan Princess has come.牛：Aaa……(牛惊慌地跑下)Aside: The monkey king leaves the front hall, running to back garden……Chapter 2Site: Bull King’s back gardenCharacters: 至尊宝、紫霞（至跑过来，突然看到紫独自坐在台阶上，于是走过来）至：Why are you hiding here?(紫抽剑，指向至。
两人定格，至走出来，独白)至：At this time, the blade is really close to me, 0.01 cm I think. But after a short period of time, 0.01 second I think, the owner of the sword will fall for me whole-heartedly. Because I’ve decided to tell lies, I’ve told many lies in my life, but I think it is the most wonderful lie!紫：I’ll kill you if you come closer!至：You should kill me! Kill me! I’d found my best love, but I didn’t treasure her. I left regretful after that. It’s the ultimate pain in the world. Just cut my throat, please don’t hesitate! If God can give me a chance, I will tell her there words. “I love you”. If God wants to give a time limit, I’ll say this love will last 10 thousand years!（紫长叹，抛剑，拾剑，抱剑）紫：What can you tell your wife?至：I have to tell her the truth. So I must get the Pandora’s Box back. Then go back with you and explain everything. But I hate myself that I can’t get the box back. I ……紫：I help you!至：No, it’s dangerous!紫：You don’t want to?至：I do! But ……紫：I trust you! I’ll get the Pandora’s Box back tonight. Wait for me here at midnight.(猪喊)至：Let me do something to my boss first. See you tonight.（依依不舍）Aside: The night ……Chapter 3Site: DungeonCharacters: 至尊宝、猪八戒、沙僧、唐僧猪和沙：Master, master(两人同时悄声说)猪：We come to save you.沙：We come to bring you out.唐：I won’t go.猪和沙：Stay here? Why?唐：There’re full of obstacles in the way of getting scriptures. This is because we’re not united enough. So we let the devils do bad to us. That’s fine. This prison has no difference with the outside world, to me; the outside world is just a bigger prison. You go out first. I have something to tell him.(猪和沙下)唐：You come in and have a sit!至：To be honest, I’m not your disciple. I don’t want to be your disciple. Master I know you’re a good guy. Please let me go!唐：Do you know “dong , dong, dong ……”?至：What is “dong, dong, dong”?唐：“dong, dong, dong ……” is ……(唐唱Only you)至：Stop. Stop. I can’t take this anymore, please stop ……唐：Ohoh ……至：Damn you, you … I’ve said I can’t take this anymore. Don’t disturb or I’ll kill you.唐： Monkey King, you can kill me. Life and death are very minor. When you know why you should make sacrifices, you will come back and sing this song with me. Namonitabhaya …(至跑走)Aside: The Monkey King succeeds in escaping form the Bull King, and he reaches the Spiders’ Cave with the Grapes. Unfortunately, the Monkey King and his friends meet the Queen of Spider.The Monkey have heard that if the blade slashed fast and accurately, the guy who’s cut open won’t die at once. He can still see. So he asks the Queen of the Spider to kill him as fast as she could and to tear his heart out and let him have a look.After the Monkey King’s death, he appears in the Hole of Waterfall …Chapter 4Site: The Hole of WaterfallCharacters: 至尊宝、观音至：Goddess. I’m about to understand your words. I used my eyes to see in the past. What I was dying. I started using my heart to see this world. Then I could see all things clearly. That girl …has left a drop of tear in my heart. I felt her sorrow.观：Have you given up all things in human world?至：Yes! Life and death is just minor! …… But I don’t understand why can human’s hatred last 10 years, 50 years, and even 500 years. What hatred is it?观：So that Tang Monk went to the west and got scriptures, which clean out hearts.至：OK, I want to stay here, there are many things waiting for me to do.观：I want to warn you again. After wearing the gold ring, you’re no longer a normal human. You can’t have human desires anymore. If you do so, the gold ring will get smaller and smaller. It’s very uncomfortable.至：OK.观：Before wearing the ring, what do you want to say?至：I had had found my best love, but I didn’t treasure her. When I lost her, I regret. It’s the most pain in the world. If God can give me another chance, I will say there words to her “I love you”! If there is a time limit, I hope, it is 10 thousand years!还有7人的。
不过很有意义。
可以参考一下。
pocket moneyCharacters: Narrator(N), Salesman(S), Dad(D), Maggie(M), Alice(A),Candy(C), Policeman(P)Preparation: 学校布景，做糖果用桌及相关材料，小贩家布景Scene1（At Salesman’s home）N: In a dark dirty house, there lived a small, dirty salesman. Healways makes unhealthy candies and sells them to the students. Hehas a lot of money now. But how does he make the candies? Oh, xu ……He is coming!S: Hello, do you know me? No? Oh, let me tell you .I’m the famouscandy salesman at the school gate. My candies are verypopular,(展示)，I don’t know why. The foolish students always comehere. I’ll be a boss soon! Candy, money, candy, money……Oops! It’s time to make candies now.(看表)First, put the flour on the table.Then, water, sugar, flour.(边说边做)Now press, press……Oh, my dirty hands! Never mind! Just do it!(满不在意的神情)Press, press……Oh, my god!(鼻涕)Never mind! Just do it!Press, press, the children will not know it , it’s OK,hehehe……Now let me cut it into pieces!One, two, three, four, five……（用脏菜刀）Wow, everything is ready!糖果钻出来（跳舞），跳完后，非常难过地说：Oh, I’m so dirty and ugly! What can I do? Thestudents will eat me! And they will be ill! Wuwuwu…S: Mmmm…It looks dirty, let me give you a nice coat! (给它穿上) Wow! Nowit’s so beautiful! Haha……C: Oh, no! Don’t sell me! I’m dirty!(拖糖果下场)Scene2（At the school gate）N: The next day, when the class is over, all the students comeout happily and the salesman goes to the school gate as usual.（Maggie和Alice 欢快地跑出校门，看到小贩）(小贩拉着糖上场，吆喝)：Candies! Candies! Sweet candies! ……M: Oh, Alice! Look! Candies!A: Yeah! I think they are yummy!M: Let’s ask him.A: OK!C: Don’t buy me
（非常焦急）M&A: Why?C: I’m dirty
M: No, you look nice!C: What can I do? (面向观众) Wuwuwu…(小贩将她拉在后面)S: Candies! Candies!（引诱两个女孩）M&A: How much are they?S: Do you have money?（轻蔑）M&A: Money?(对视)M:Oh, I’ve no money!（失落之极）A: Me too.S: No money? So sorry!(吆喝着走开，下场)M: What can we do now?A: Let’s ask dad for money.M: But how to ask?A: How?…Oh,I know ,let’s make him happy ,and he will give usmoney.（自信）M: Good idea!(全部下场)Scene 3:（At Maggie’s home）N: The children have to go home and ask dad for some money, and theyknow their father is good at playing guitar, so they will dosomething clever. (爸爸看报)M: Dad,dad,let’s sing a song ,OK? (同时Alice去取吉他准备拿给爸爸)A: And play the guitar for us!M: We know you play so well!(爸爸诧异地看着孩子)D: Oh? What a bright day today!M&A: Please, dad!(哀求)D:OKOK! Let’s.(取吉他，开始准备)D: Which song do you like? How about Edelweiss?M&A: Of course!(开始弹，第一段孩子随节奏起舞，第二段孩子开始轻声讨论起来“you first”之类的话，爸爸停止弹琴。
)D: What’s the matterM: Dad, we have no money!A: Can we have some please?D: I think you have lots of pocket money ,and you don’t need anymore.M:I want to buy some candies at the school gate.A: They look so sweet and nice!M: Other students always buy them!D: But……You can’t ! They are quite unhealthy. Please go and do yourhomework..(置之不理，转头看报，孩子回到房间)M: What shall we do now?A: Let me think …well, I know!(轻声在Maggie耳边说)M: Oh, you are so clever! Let’s go.(回到爸爸身边)M: Dad, I want a new eraser!A: I want a longer ruler!M&A: Dad, please
D: Things are expensive these days. We have to save money!M: But dad, my eraser is too small now!(拿出破橡皮来给爸爸看)A: And my ruler is broken.（拿出断尺）D: OK, children. I believe you this time, make sure, don’t buy thefood at the school gate. It’s unhealthy! Do you know?M&A: Yes, sir!D: Here you are !( 给钱)M&A: Thanks very much, dad! Bye!(非常高兴，下场)N: The next day, when the class is over ,Maggie and Alice come tothe salesman again. They are happy to buy the candies and then havethem, but soon they feel a stomachache.(孩子高兴地买了糖，边吃边回家，小贩下场，孩子到家后肚子痛)M: Aiyo!……（两人躬着背进场）A: …….D: What’s wrong?M: I’ve a stomachache!A: Me too!D: What did you eat? The food at the school gate?M: Yes. We had some candies just now.A: I had some too!D: Oh! You’ve cheated me! You bought the candies instead of theeraser and ruler. I always tell you that don’t buy the food at theschool gate, they are unhealthy!（生气）M: But they look nice!A: And tastes good!M&A: Aiyo……D:Well, Let’s go to the salesman together and have a look!M&A: OK.Scene 4: (At the school gate)N: When they get to the school gate, a policeman is asking thesalesman to go away.(正走到校门口，发现警察驱赶校门口的小贩)P: Hey! You shouldn’t stay here, leave now!C: Let’s go home, let’s go home! (轻声并拉小贩)S: No! My candies are nice and popular here! And…C: You are telling a lie! I’m very dirty and unhealthy!M&A: Dad, it’s him! Aiyo…（指着小贩）D: He?(警察走过来问爸爸，朝小孩)P: What’s the matter with them?D: They got a stomachache after having his candies.S: Really? But I’ve never heard of it. And……P: Stop, stop!(打断小贩) Look at the two girls! Are you guilty? You mustbe honest with the students, and don’t sell candies any more.（非常严厉）S: OK. I know. (羞愧)C: Let’s go home. Let’s go home.Policeman(对小孩): Girls, please listen! Don’t buy the candies nexttime. They are bad for your health.D: Yes, he is right. And you shouldn’t tell a lie to me. Try to bean honest person! Will you?M&A: OK, dad!P: Let’s take them to the hospital now.D: OK, Let’s go.N（出场）: A few days later, the girls recovered. And this story istrying to tell you that some of the phenomenon must be kept down, wehope it could be improved soon. What’s more, we also hope studentsthemselves can be honest and all the salesmen can be honest as well
急求6个人英语搞笑小品剧本
英语剧本-《不差钱》英文版Got the Money Anyway(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)Play script by Cui Kai et al.（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。
本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。
）(This short play is set in a restaurant named Scottish Taste \\\/ Feel. Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)赵本山：到了。
毛毛： 到了。
赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。
这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。
毛毛： 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。
赵本山：啊，情调
就搁这儿吃。
毛毛： 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。
赵本山：贵
咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢
毛毛： 我没拿包啊。
赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。
毛毛： 完了，让我落炕上了。
赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗
这给你办事，落炕上了还。
兜里还有钱吗
毛毛： 兜里，多少钱哪才
才70多块钱。
赵本山：我还有400。
行，够了。
毛毛： 这也不能够啊。
赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。
服务员
Uncle Zhao Here we are.Yadar Here we are.Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: Scottish Tease \\\/ Fool.Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste \\\/ feel, not tease \\\/ fool.Uncle Zhao All right, taste \\\/ feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.Yadar But it's very expensive.Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?Yadar What bag?Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.Yadar Still not enough.Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!（小沈阳上）小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。
赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。
小沈阳：妈呀，吃饭的
赵本山：不像啊
小沈阳：不太像。
赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。
小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。
赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。
小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。
再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。
你看，是有腿的哦。
妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。
妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。
赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。
小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。
小沈阳：呃，没问题。
赵本山：来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱
小沈阳：咋还吃急眼了呢
赵本山：我意思就是，最贵的都点上。
小沈阳：得一、两万的。
赵本山：一、两万
啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账
(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?Shenyang Not quite.Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.Shenyang No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?Shenyang Why so \\\/ What's wrong?Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?小沈阳：打白条儿啊
赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。
喏。
小沈阳：啥意思
赵本山：小费。
小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。
赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。
我跟你说这不白给啊。
一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗
我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。
小沈阳：咋兜呢
赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。
我要点贵菜...... 小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。
来来来，拿点。
再给你30，来。
小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。
赵本山：谢谢。
小沈阳：放心吧。
毛毛： 爷爷，我有点饿了。
赵本山：饿了
来碗面条。
小沈阳：呃，78一碗。
赵本山：啥面
这么贵。
小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。
赵本山：是不是卤子贵
小沈阳：卤不要钱。
赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。
快去，快去。
小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。
去吧去吧。
小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。
Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.Shenyang What's it?Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang You do understand people \\\/ things \\\/ the world, sir - you look cool!Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.Shenyang Like how?Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?Shenyang I'll say sorry, this we don't have.Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.Shenyang Nothing much.Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?Shenyang 78 yuan.Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?Shenyang It's free.Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)
两人演的英语故事或小品的剧本，要翻译，要小学生能背出来并且不难（看起来要有点难，实际上不难）转补充
(注意礼貌)Helen: Do you think the cat's okay?Alice: The cat? Seems fine to me. Why?Helen: I think we should take it to the doctor. It doesn't seem right to me.Alice: It's OK.Helen: No, It's not! You never listen to me. Alice, can you take it to the doctor?Alice: I'm sorry Helen. I'm working at the moment. Anyway, It seems alright, aren't you Kitty?Helen: I told you It's not well! Right, if you don't care, I'll take it!Helen left.Alice: What's wrong with her?海伦：你觉得这只猫的健康吗
爱丽斯：这只猫
似乎没什么问题。
为什么问
海伦：我想我们应该带它看医生。
我看它有些不妥。
爱丽斯：它没不妥。
海伦：不，它不是
你从来不听我的。
爱丽丝，你可以带它去看医生
爱丽斯：我很抱歉，海伦。
我目前正在工作。
无论如何，它看似乎没问题，不是吗小猫儿
海伦：我告诉你，它是病了
对了，如果你不在乎，我带它去
海伦离开爱丽斯：她有什么问题吗
英文小品剧本
对不起啊
我真的don'konw!
英文小品剧本
初一就能演英文剧本，牛的很。
赵本山重大转型，从无聊忽悠到关注职场骗局!长安县令原创小品《招聘骗局》 ，帮你识破形形色色招聘骗局
直面2010严峻就业形势，讽刺企业招聘中的欺骗现状
本山大叔摆脱农民形象，马老板重装上阵；范伟化身职场精英，被忽悠防不胜防。
Boss table, large posters, screen background is South China tiger photos, wrote: Ma Mei Bai specialized only for women. Do you have ambitions do? You want to be master do? You want to be bosses do? Markov International is your life, toward the peak of the platform, space and South! Join an internationally renowned beauty Technology Group, planning, design a number of demanding full-time undergraduate degree or above. Here are two medals, Extreme Beauty Awards.Cai: Ma Dong, bad, and our Ma Mei Bai has been investigated as a non-conforming products for Trade and Industry, are online publicity it.Ma: What stuff? Mo Ji Mo panic. There is ah, what Ma Dong Dong Ma said that the number of times, and in front of is called chairman of the board in the office called Uncle! Do not know if it thought that the toilet has leaks.Cai: Uncle, that we supposed to do?Ma: a change in name, redesigned look at packaging, immediately the New Year, and put forward a promotional Han's. (See advertising paintings) on a whim called Tiger Whitening!Cai: gnaw Promotions do?MA: Do you recruit people?Cai: afternoon interview, and in 500 did.Ma: That gave him a few white, let him write the planning program, more than 3,000 words.(Fan on)Fan: Now working hard to find, some time ago on the Internet made more than 180 copies of resumes, only received eight telephone interviews, three of which still have not been invited, are claimed to be an international financial group, credit cards, selling insurance, illegal speculation of foreign exchange. Recently it, simply a no, I have thought that mobile phones are bad, and played a few their numbers. The economic crisis came, liar and a thief team has also expanded. Have to beware of those who get money through recruitment, and those who do not collect money, nothing. Package good, the money catch on, mobile phones Do not give people took to run!(SMS tone) Thank you for your candidates Ma International Group advertising business planning positions, please today at 2 pm to the International Building, 18th Floor, interview.Fan: It sent the message was quite timely Oh, yesterday came to the phone.Cai: Hello, Ma International.Fan: Hello, I come to interview.Cai: Yes, so we have taken a test of what you do first. Answered the post, there are media that we, chairman of the article, you must carefully read. Then we will personally interview, Chairman.(After reading a thick newspaper clippings)Cai: read it? Your way, please.Ma: I saw your program really did not expect.Fan: did not expect? Did not think it is good or bad ah?Ma: I mean, all you see, I still boss?Ma: I would first introduce the next company is doing. Markov Group's headquarters in Los Angeles, 98 years, entered China in 2002 set up Markov Future Laboratory Inc., dedicated to life sciences, genetic engineering and health and beauty research. Our strategy is to use 3-5 years in the United States, Japan, the establishment of five branches, with 3-5 years in China has established 15 branch offices, 88 core franchisee, in order to provide professional services to customers worldwide. In such a rapid development process, people are our greatest desire, I still believe that the most valuable one minute is to invest in employees for one minute. Buffett said that life is like a snowball, it is important to find a long slope. I believe the success of Markov International is your way of young people up to the slope.Fan: Climbing ah.Ma: What are your strengths?Fan: planning.Ma: That 4 trillion know? 4 behind so many zero, give us the planning of several zero?Fan: That is a country of large projects, it is estimated not work.Ma: Markov International this year's sales will exceed eight million, our goal is five years into the world 500 strong! I, as a business leader to enter Sri Lanka then what list, for several years then what you went into a list of Sri Lanka.Fan: Forbes?MA: With regard to that Sri Lanka. Listed companies have entered the countdown! What the United States that Spartak, this is our listing of 2000 days countdown celebration photos.Fan: NASDAQ?Ma: Yes, to enter the Nasdaq.Fan: You, and so, 2000 is the day I calculate how many years?Ma: say nothing of calculations, we have to let people know that the Earth International to be listed on the Mahalanobis, (come up with a broken gong) of view, opening to beat a gong have prepared better.(Brought gong to see) Fan: a bit familiar? Shuahou it?(Program for Choy) Ma: Give candidates the design, let him make a design is issued in accordance with the planning program and said that he was thinking of the wrong study. Is a mule is a horse, pull out of Liu Liu.Ma: test to your observation capability. If ah, if you have huge amount of wealth can not be explained clearly, how can you say?Fan: There are Han, real estate speculators in chanting.Ma: re-test to your ability to judge. You take the elevator up on the first floor to 10 floor elevators on each floor in front of all stood a diamond, diamond sizes. Every floor elevator door will open once, can only take one diamond, and asked how to get the biggest sinking?Fan: himself feel in great hurry to take on the bar, in case the lift out of malfunction? Case of power failure it?MA: Do you interview to answer questions ah must pause 2 seconds, make sure to understand what I mean.Cai: Your last question both Han mean?Ma: Meisha mean, I let him sleepwalk back.Ma: Are you so what questions to ask?Fan: What is the company's annual leave?Ma: annual leave? Chinese New Year holiday ah?当然.Choi: He said that the paid leave.Ma: Paid? Does not work? I have never received such a leave for employees. In our city, Saturday to go to work do not you know?Fan: What contract is signed it?MA: one year a sign, the probationary period for six months.Fan: The law provides that one-year contract, a probationary period can not exceed 2 months.Cai: The new labor law, three-year contract before the trial period of 6 months.Ma: That sign three years, signed a decade is no problem for six months probationary period.Cai: at least a decade after the sign is without a fixed term contract of the.Ma: ah? There are no fixed time limit? What sort of legal.Ma: Then three years, in the first year of nearly let him feel boring when you leave.Cai: If still find it interesting that he does?Ma: He also felt that if interesting, then I think you senseless.Horse: Your imagination Zeyang?Fan: last night made a strange dream: Kuaiguo Nian, I asked people to behead cattle, the results of killing finished, slaughtering of meat, let me take a few leave; I refused and took a lot of meat, but also sit there and eat several dishes of beef hot pot, finally left a number, give him.Ma: I may be the slaughtering of. Your salary requirements?Fan: 3000 or more.MA: We do this position, annual salary of thousands, certainly more than 4000 of the monthly discount. Well, today, the first so that you do not what matter, and go back and listen. Kuaiguo Nian, and easy to find work, spending is also unavoidable. Any money through recruitment of be careful ah. What Kaijulaijie you, let assistant to pick you up, let the interview with a laptop computer, cell phone money and goods should be carefully robbed cheated.Fan: Thank you for reminding me.再见.(Fan below) (Shen above)Shen: Chairman, this treatment and did you say Zebu the same?Ma: Zebu the same?Shen: At that time I asked you whether the salaries paid on time, you say of course. I asked you if attendance is very strict, you say This look at the situation, and sometimes can also be flexible.Ma: Are you sure remember correctly, you asked me whether attendance is very strict, and I said of course. You asked me whether the salaries paid on time, I would say that this look at the situation, and sometimes can also be flexible.Shen: I asked you if a car paste, rice paste is a meal allowance, travel allowance, you say, Why, yes, definitely are higher than their peers! I have heard that the company ask you to work overtime more you answer No possible, who told you? Ma: Are you sure they have mis-remembered. You asked whether the company I work overtime, I told you, Why, yes, definitely are higher than their peers! You asked me if there are meal subsidies, transportation subsidies, my answer is No, Who told you?(Sink in)(Phone rings)Cai: Uncle, the property that do not pay rent and utilities, then they wind up, moving chairs and tables. We supposed to?Ma: we supposed to? Pick up things, this place has to live tired of the table to give them better. The afternoon to move.Tsai: In case some people question?Ma: say condolences go to homes for the aged pensioners living alone, warmth, a little bedding, fruit Han's.Cai: property we supposed to do after finding 咱?Ma: rest assured. I signed the contract is the horse master! Is not a Ma Dashuai! That beat the tiger with the farmers to learn.Ma: brisk walking.老板桌旁大幅宣传画，画面背景是华南虎照，上写：马氏美白素 专业只为女人。
你有“野心”吗
您想当“主人”吗
您想当“老板”吗
马氏国际就是您走向人生顶峰的“平台”、“空间”、“江南”
国际著名美容科技集团诚聘策划、设计若干名，要求全日制本科以上学历。
下面是两块奖牌，“至尊美容大奖”。
蔡：马董，不好了，我们的马氏美白素被工商查处为不合格产品，正在网上公示呢。
马：什么玩意
莫急莫慌。
还有啊，什么马董马董，说了多少遍了，在人面前叫董事长，在办公室就叫大舅
不知道还以为马桶又漏水呢。
蔡：大舅，那咋办呢
马：换个名字，重新设计一下包装，马上过年了，搞个促销啥的。
（看广告宣传画）就改叫虎牌美白精华素
蔡：咋促销呢
马：你招的人呢
蔡：下午有面试的，在500强做过。
马：那给他几张白纸，让他写个策划方案，3000字以上。
（范上）范：如今工作太难找，前段时间在网上发简历180多份，只接到8个面试电话，其中三个还是不请自来，都号称是国际金融集团，发信用卡，卖保险，非法炒外汇的。
最近呢，干脆一个没有，我都以为手机坏了，每天打几下自己的号。
经济危机来了，骗子和贼的队伍也扩大了。
还得提防那些借着招聘骗钱的，凡是收钱的一概不去。
包看好，钱抓牢，手机不要随便给人拿了跑
（手机短信铃声）感谢您应聘马氏企业国际集团广告策划职位，请今日下午2点到国际大厦18楼面试。
范：这短信发得蛮及时哦，昨天来过电话的。
蔡：你好，马氏国际。
范：你好，我是来面试的。
蔡：是这样，我们有份考题，您先做一下。
答完后，这里有媒体采访我们董事长的文章，您要仔细看完。
然后我们董事长会亲自面试。
（看完厚厚剪报）蔡：看完了吗
您这边请。
马：你的方案我看了，确实没想到。
范：没想到
没想到是好还是差啊
马：我的意思都让你明白了，我还是老板吗
马：我先介绍下公司情况。
马氏集团总部在美国洛杉矶，98年进入中国，02年成立马氏未来实验室公司，致力于生命科学、基因工程和健康美容研究。
我们的战略是用3-5年在美国、日本建立5个分公司，用3-5年在中国建立15个分公司，88家核心加盟商，为全球用户提供专业服务。
在这样的快速发展过程中，人才是我们最大的渴望，我始终认为，最有价值的一分钟是投资于员工的一分钟。
巴菲特说，人生就像滚雪球，重要的是找到很长的坡。
相信马氏国际就是你们年轻人成功路上最长的坡。
范：爬坡啊。
马：你有什么强项
范：策划。
马：那4万亿知道吗
4后面那么多的零，能给我们策划几个零
范：那都是国家大项目，估计不行。
马：马氏国际今年的销售将突破8个亿，我们的目标是5年内进入世界五百强
我作为企业领头人，进入那什么斯排行榜，好多年没进那什么斯排行榜了。
范：福布斯
马：就那斯。
公司已经进入上市倒计时
到美国那什么斯巴达克，这是我们上市倒计时2000天庆祝会的照片。
范：纳斯达克
马：对，进军纳斯达克。
范：您等等，2000天我算算是多少年
马：甭算了，我们要让地球人都知道马氏国际要上市了，（拿出一个破锣）看，开市敲的锣都备好了。
（拿来锣看）范：有点面熟
耍猴的
（方案给蔡）马：给应聘设计的，让他按照策划方案做出设计稿，就说考察他的思路对不对。
是骡子是马，拉出来遛遛。
马：考考你的观察能力。
假如啊，假如，你有巨额财产无法解释清楚时，你怎么说
范：还有啥，炒房的呗。
马：再考考你判断能力。
你乘坐电梯上来，一楼到十楼的每层电梯门口都放着一颗钻石，钻石大小不一。
每层楼电梯门都会打开一次，只能拿一次钻石，问怎样才能拿到最大的那颗
范：自己觉着大就赶紧拿吧，万一电梯出故障呢
万一停电呢
马：你面试回答问题啊一定要停顿2秒，确信明白了我的意思。
蔡：你最后俩问题啥意思
马：没啥意思，我是让他稀里糊涂地回去。
马：你有啥问题要问
范：公司年假是怎样的
马：年假
过年放假啊
当然。
蔡：他说的是带薪年假。
马：带薪
不上班
我还从没接到员工这样的休假申请。
在我们全市，周六上班难道你不知道吗
范：合同是怎样签的呢
马：一年一签，试用期半年。
范：法律规定，一年合同的话，试用期不能超过2个月。
蔡：新劳动法，三年合同的试用期才能为6个月。
马：那签三年，签十年都没问题，试用期半年。
蔡：签十年满之后就是无固定期限合同了。
马：啊
还有无固定期限
这是哪门子法律。
马：那就三年，在第一年快满时让他自己觉得没意思走人。
蔡：他要是还觉得有意思呢
马：他要是还觉得有意思，那我就觉得你没意思了。
马：你的想象力咋样
范：昨晚做了一个奇怪的梦：快过年了，我请人杀头牛，结果杀完后，宰牛的让我拿几块肉走人；我不肯，拿了很多的肉，还坐在那吃了几盘牛肉火锅，最后还剩一些，就给他了。
马：我可能就是宰牛的。
你的工资要求
范：三千以上。
马：我们这个职位呢，年薪十万，折算月薪肯定超过四千了。
那今天就先这样，没你啥事了，回去听信。
快过年了，工作不好找，花销还少不了。
凡是借着招聘收钱的要当心啊。
什么开车来接你的，让助手来接你的，让带手提电脑面试的，都要小心手机钱物被抢被骗。
范：谢谢您的提醒。
再见。
（范下）（沈上）沈：董事长，这个待遇和当初您说的咋不一样呢
马：咋不一样
沈：当时我问您工资是否按时发放，您说“那当然”。
我问您是否考勤很严格，您说“这个看情况，有时也可以灵活”。
马：你肯定记错了，你问我考勤是否很严格，我说那当然。
你问我工资是否按时发放，我说这个看情况，有时也可以灵活。
沈：我问您是否有车贴、饭贴就是餐费补贴、交通补贴，您回答说“那还用说，绝对比同行都高
”我问您听说公司加班多，您回答说“不可能，谁告诉你的
”马：你肯定又记错了。
你问我公司是否加班，我告诉你“那还用说，绝对比同行都高
”你问我是否有餐费补贴、交通补贴，我的回答是“不可能，谁告诉你的
”（沈下）（电话响）蔡：大舅，物业说再不交房租和水电费的话，他们就拉闸、搬桌子。
咋办
马：咋办
收拾东西，这地方也住腻了，桌子给他们好了。
下午就搬。
蔡：万一有人问呢
马：就说去敬老院慰问孤寡老人，送温暖，带点被褥、水果啥的。
蔡：物业以后找到咱咋办呢
马：放心。
我在合同上签的是马大师
不是马大帅
跟那个拍老虎的农民学的。
马：快走。
小品《英语课上》和《课间十分钟》剧本
《课间十分钟》小玲趴在桌上睡觉。
小艾丢了本书在旁边，出去。
小伍进来，坐在小艾的位置上。
小艾（进来）：唉，哥们儿，真是莫名其妙，是不是在搞笑，难道你没看到，这个座我已经占了
小伍：丁是丁，卯是卯，其实我占的比你早
小艾：我一大早就来了，咋没看见你呢
小伍：我昨天晚上占的。
小艾：最后一排是我的专利
为了它，我每天早早地起了床，抢破了头，血直流，这个位置不能丢
小伍：最后一排是我的骄傲，风水宝地这边独好。
要想把我从这赶跑（小艾：——咋地
）劝你趁早拉倒
小玲醒来：吵什么吵什么吵
一大早就在这么神圣的教室里吵架，浪费大好青春
知道你们犯了什么错误吗
啊
小艾：知道。
小伍：我们不吵了。
小玲：你们最不可原谅的是——把我吵醒了
小艾坐在小玲前面。
小艾：最后一声得，还是发扬风格。
哥们，考试照着我点
小伍：啊
今天考试啊
小玲：可不
我今天手都麻了
小艾：吓的噢
小伍：睡觉睡的吧
小玲：都不对
打小草累的
小艾：哎，想我昨晚点灯熬油地折腾了大半夜呀
小伍：哎呀，发奋学习了
小玲：你也打小草
小艾：哪呀，我在想考试的策略
小伍、小玲凑过去：想到什么? 小艾狂笑：告诉你们，这招绝了
小伍、小玲：快说啊
小艾：照书抄——（拿起书） 小玲：去死
小伍：是个好主意
我咋没想到呢
小玲：得了吧。
你这也叫绝招
哎，为了缓解一下紧张的气氛，我给你们出道幽默智力题儿。
小艾、小伍不理她。
小玲：说，考试答卷分几步
小艾、小伍凑过去：几步
小玲：分三步
第一步：把名字写上。
（两人点头） 第二步：把题目看一遍
（两人点头） 第三步：——把卷纸交上去
小艾：交白卷哦
小伍：什么破题啊
小玲：我再给你们出一道题儿；说，今天考试了，谁没来
小艾：今天考试谁能不来
小玲
小玲：我不在呢么
小艾：看看四周，小伍
小伍：在呢
小艾：啊
我知道了——小艾
小伍：你是白来了
来了跟没来还不一个结果
小玲：答，老师呗
还没来呢
老师走进来。
三人吓一跳：来啦
怎么说不来就来了呢
哎呀
（吵闹） 老师：叫什么
癞蛤蟆进来了哦
三人笑。
老师：严肃点
这考试呢
一点职业道德都没有
这年头最重要的是什么
——分数
分分分，你们的命根
（邪笑）考考考，俺们的法宝
小艾：抄抄抄，咱们的绝招
老师：快发卷纸
考试了也不早点来，这都几点了
考试都开始了半小时才来
干什么去了啊
发卷。
老师：考试时间共两小时
不超过一小时不许交卷
想答卷的同学请拿起笔，不想答卷的同学请原地休息。
想上厕所的同学——请约束好自己
小艾：我把老师好有一比， 他是耗子找猫当三陪——要求无理
小玲：就是
难道他是传说中的说唱歌手，要不嘴里怎么就叨咕叨咕的没完
老师：肃静
你们要比树还静
知不知道你们犯了多么严重的错误
比盐海重
三人开抄。
老师：（指小艾）这位同学请不要抄了
小伍、小玲：我没抄啊
老师走到了小艾面前：同学，别抄了
小艾：你怎么知道
我放在桌子里抄的
老师：你桌子前面的板掉了，我都看见了
小艾：（看了看）哎呀
真倒霉
老师没收小艾的卷纸，小艾刚想站起来走。
老师：坐下
不到一小时不许出去
老师走到小伍旁边，小伍把卷纸拿到桌里去抄。
老师：行了行了，别装了
最看不起你们这些拿书作弊的，一点技术含量都没有。
你刚才怎么抄来的
这样
这样
小伍：再低点再低点
老师：（没收了小伍的卷纸）你也坐着反省一下，为什么拿书作弊
小伍：也不想拿书啊
谁让我没像她（小玲）一样打好小草的
小玲瞪大眼睛看着小伍。
老师：这就对了，下回记得打小草
我就喜欢这种用功的孩子。
老师：到点了
交卷。
收好卷纸。
老师：好。
记得下午来考高数
（下） 小艾：啊
下午还考高数
小玲：啊
下午考高数
（拿起小草）刚才考了什么
小伍：高……数
那是什么树
三人：研究下怎么打小草吧
老师走进来（老师均由一人换装扮演即可）。
小艾：语文老师
老师：小艾，你怎么写作文的
（卷纸给小艾） 小艾：怎么了
老师：你读读。
小艾：《我的老师》，我的老师长了一张瓜子脸…… 老师：等下，（拿出一大牌子，上写爪）你这是瓜子脸的瓜吗
你写来的是我的老师长了一张爪子脸
小艾：老师，爪子脸也是脸，就不能凑合看吗
老师：你接着读。
小艾：我的老师长的真漂亮，真漂亮，真漂亮呀真漂亮，真漂亮呀真漂亮…… 老师：停
你写那么多真漂亮干吗
就这么一直写到了结尾
小艾：老师，作文不是要求不能少于500字吗
老师：那你就只写真漂亮
小艾：不是要求写出真情实感吗
这就是我的全部感情啊
老师：哼哼，告诉你，你才496字
小艾：哦
那再补一句：真漂亮啊
老师：你看看你的古文翻译，触槐而死你怎么译的
小艾：找棵老槐树上吊了
老师：为什么是老槐树
你看你解释词语，解释逝世，你竟然写去死
小艾：噢，我本想写死去的
老师：（一脸无奈）你，你又挂了
小艾：再给我一次机会吧
我都重修五次了
老师：好吧，我就给你个机会。
听说过疱丁解牛，游刃有余吧
你用游刃有余造个句子，对了我就给你过
小艾：游——刃——有——鱼
鱼……鱼，鱼在水里游，游刃有鱼…… 老师：（笑了）恭喜你，获得了—— 小艾：过了
老师：（冷漠）第六次重修的机会。
（下） 小玲、小伍：算了，快来研究高数小草吧。
老师进来。
小伍：哲学老师
老师：小伍
小伍：有
老师：看看你的卷纸
我的问题是：这就是问题，请作答。
你怎么答的
小伍：这就是答案，请给分……不对吗
老师：你这叫问题吗
老师：你——好，下一道， 论述题：什么是勇气，你怎么没答
小伍：我答了啊
老师：就写了五个字
小伍：（读）这就是勇气
没错啊
然后我下面的题都没答就交卷了，我把勇气解释的多好呀
老师：你——你等着挂吧
小伍：老师
再给我次机会吧
我挂了十五次啦
老师：那我问你两个问题。
就看你的造化了…… 小伍：两道——太多了
老师：好，第一题答对了
第二题你不答我也让你过，你有多少根头发
小伍：如果我是秃子就好了。
老师：答啊
小伍：123456789根
老师：你怎么知道
小伍：老师，第二题我可以不答
老师：好
很好
非常好
拿着（递给一张纸） 小伍：这是—— 老师：重修单
（下） 小玲、小艾：快来研究高数—— 老师进来。
小玲：英语老师
（欲跑） 老师：小玲,跑什么呀
没吃早饭呀
小玲：没吃—— 老师：我看见你早上吃饭了呀
小玲：——明天的早饭
老师：小玲，看看卷纸，你这阅读理解没一个对的
你是不是根本没读就直接看题目选的
小玲：不是
老师：还敢狡辩
小玲：我连题目都没看，直接看答案选的
老师：还有你的作文
怎么看着眼熟
小玲：能不眼熟吗
阅读理解每段第一句话拼起来的…… 老师：小玲，你该觉悟了
你这次—— 小玲：啊
老师，我都挂五、十五，不，五十次了
不能再挂了啊
老师：不是我不给你过……这……比如，你能翻译出evening dress是什么意思吗
（对观众）是晚礼服
小玲看着小艾、小伍。
小艾：evening是晚上吧，最适合大游戏
小伍：dress是衣服，MM总吵着买
小玲：哦
老师，我知道了
是夜行衣
老师摇摇头。
小玲：不行，我得找老师去
你们俩慢慢研究吧
小艾：算了，小草打了也未必用得上，我也走了《英语课上》A：老师B：学生A：同学们，上课B：老师好（大声） A：妈呀，这孩纸说话声音怎么这么大
„„同学们，今天我们这堂课是要复习，看着我，复习昨天我们学过的英语单词。
B使劲点头）XX同学，请你告诉我用英语“橘子”怎么念。
B：（抬头看天做沉思状，然后大声的）Orange! A：什么
B：Orange
A：你是在癫痫的状态下学的这个单词吗
B：（举手，起立）不是的，老师，我是唐山滴
A：坐下坐下„„我们纠正一下，应该是Orange。
B：Orange A：Orange B：Orange A：Orange B：Orange A：Orange B：Orange A：就是Orange（B鼓掌）B：老师你学会了A以手扶额做无奈状A：（苦笑）好吧，我们说别的词，香蕉怎么读
B：Banana（声调上扬）A：坐下吧坐下吧，太刺耳了，坐下吧„„苹果怎么说
B：Iphone A：Iphone对吗
B：Ipad
Itouch!爱咋咋地
A：闭嘴
什么词汇
应该是Apple B：Apple A：行了行了，你这味别来这。
再说一个单词，男孩怎么说
B：Boy A：Oh My 雷迪嘎嘎，你终于说对了一个。
两个男孩怎么说
B：Gay A：闭嘴
„„好好好，好，我们控制一下情绪。
你呀，不太适合学英语。
好好好，从现在开始，我们上语文课。
B：行A：今天我们语文课的内容是偏旁部首B：好 A：老师说一个词，波涛汹涌， B：（在手上画）什么意思
A：这四个字都有共同的特点 B：什么特点老师
A：这四个字都是三点水的偏旁部首。
哪位童鞋给老师做一个举一反三 B：（举手站起来）老师我来 A：我有让你站起来了吗
B：那班里也没有别的童鞋了 A：你说吧B：（碎碎念）偏旁部首，有了，玩玻璃球
都是王字旁。
对吧。
老师。
A：是的。
但是我们不能玩物丧志，说一个别的，一个别的好吧
有档次点的 B：馅饼馄饨
A：除了玩就是吃，是吧
不会别的
B：没法洗澡
涂润滑油
老师，都是三点水 A：你太牛了，太牛了，你给我说一五个字的
来 B：炸炒烤炖焖
A：你给我说一十个字的
来
（B手指做拈花状） A：什么意思
B：哦嘛咪嘛咪呗呗哞 A：好好„„你给我说个一百个字的
B：哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈„„ A：别笑了，我让你说一百个字的，你什么意思
B：都是口字旁，哈哈哈哈„„ A：坐回去，同学B：没到一百字 A：我知道，同学，以你的智商，以后就告别文化课吧。
好吧，为了继续下去，上课，今天我们上体育课。
好不好
B鼓掌叫好）我们学习的是篮球，一会我找一个投篮的同学，咱们就在这示范一下好不好
B：老师，找一什么
A：投篮的同学，来，哪位同学，一会道具拿下篮球好吗
给我一个篮球，给我„„ （B拿出蓝色的袋子套头上） B：老师， A：你干什么
B：我头蓝不蓝
A：头蓝的 B：我头蓝不蓝
同学都说我蓝， 观众：蓝
B：老师你在哪儿
A:（气急）XX,你退学吧你（跑下场） B：老师我头蓝不蓝
圣诞节搞笑小品英语 剧本 急急急 星期五之前要
《亚伯拉罕献以撒》 人员：亚伯拉罕。
以撒。
二个仆人（小晴，小王）驴（需二人幕后配备）。
第一幕：陈设房间床榻 开场夜间：公鸡三声，亚伯拉罕出现。
亚伯拉罕在林中出来，听鸡叫（刚睡醒的姿态，双手开了门，在大门口度步看看东方（白）呀。
天快亮了，我要进去祷告，拜一拜神，面对大众见证自已蒙恩的经历（白）我亚伯拉罕，耶和华把我从迦勒底吾珥呼召出来，带我进入迦南美地，还应许这地赐给我后裔为业，赐福给我羊群，牛群，仆婢众多，我一百岁神赐给我儿子以撒，现在已经长大，，耶和华是我的神，我要敬拜他，（白后）进过门内，亚伯拉罕正要跪下祷告时刻。
幕后声音出来说：亚伯拉罕，亚伯拉罕
亚伯拉罕说： 神啊
我在这里。
（姿态立既跪下，举手望天，以下连说啊门。
） 使者说： 你带着你的儿子，就是你独生的儿子，你最所爱的以撒，往摩利亚山去，把他献为燔祭。
亚伯拉罕说： 啊门（亚伯拉罕又走出大门口，向着东方远望，向着众人） 亚伯拉罕白： 啊，天还没有亮，哈利路呀，耶和华神呼召我把以撒献给他，哈利路呀，耶和华是创造天地万物大能的神，耶和华叫人富足，叫人贫穷，叫人死，叫人复活，都在于耶和华手中，耶和华叫我儿子以撒死，也会叫我以撒复活，哈利路呀，遵命，遵命。
（白后）又走进门内。
亚伯拉罕呼叫： 撒拉、撒拉、撒拉、快起来，带着你的儿子以撒出来，有事分咐。
幕后撒拉应声： 我主亚伯拉罕，婢女就来。
（撒拉领着以撒的手出现。
姿态到了台前，撒拉、以撒供手同声说）：主啊婢女在这里有何吩咐。
以撒也说： 爸儿子在这里，有何吩咐，（亚伯拉罕姿态是欢欢喜喜。
） 亚伯拉罕说： 撒拉、今天我和我儿子以撒一同往摩利亚山去拜拜耶和华我们的神。
撒拉说： 摩利亚山往来多少路程。
亚伯拉罕说： 往来路程需要六天。
撒拉说： 我主啊，以撒年纪轻轻，这么远的路程，他怎么好走呢
（亚伯拉罕有责备的姿态） 亚伯拉罕说： 啊，你真无知，耶和华是我们的神，是我们世世代代的磐石，是我们的依靠，我们敬拜神，应把他从小带到祭坛前学会敬拜耶和华真神，使他从小认识真神，我们应该趁着他还年小的时候学会存敬畏的心。
撒拉说： 我主啊，婢女遵命。
亚伯拉罕说： 撒拉你过去，预备好饼和水，作我们路上的食物。
撒拉说： 婢女遵命。
（走进幕后） （以撒在父母答话中，活泼的跳跃着过到爸爸那边，边跳边说：）爸爸，我要去，我也跟你去。
（以撒早就站在亚伯拉罕身边，拉着衣服唱着跳着） 亚伯拉罕向着幕后喊叫。
亚伯拉罕叫： 仆人、仆人、 二仆人幕后应声：来啦、来啦。
立既上台出现。
亚伯拉罕说： 今天，我和以撒往摩利亚山去拜耶和华我的神，我差你们二人往马栏里携一匹驴和燔祭的柴来，和我们一同去摩利亚山去拜耶和华我们的神。
二仆人同声说： 仆人遵命。
立即下台。
亚伯拉罕说： 我儿以撒 以撒说： 爸我在这里 亚伯拉罕说： 你进去拿饼和水来。
以撒说： 知道了，（进后台里去） （二位仆人和驴上台出现，二人同声供手向主人说）， 二仆人说： 我主人啊，你所吩咐的驴和柴都备好了。
（以撒连接上台出现） 以撒说： 爸饼和水也备好了，以撒把一袋一袋分给仆人。
亚伯拉罕说： 好，马上出发。
（仆人带着驴向前走着，以撒活泼地跳着向前走，） （幕后音乐耶和华祝福满满） （亚伯拉罕拿着刀与火石，关了大门，欢欢喜喜的唱着哈利路亚往前走） （众人在台上转了两圈，向西边落台闭幕） 第二幕：陈设山石树林水泉 布好景致、幕后凑乐耶和华祝福满满，借着凑乐的声音开幕，众人在东边照着以前的次序一个一个地上台来，以撒还是活泼的边走边跳边吃边唱跟随着仆人往前走，众人在台上走了两圈，随着美丽的歌声，正走着仆人用手起来的姿势向前望去以后二仆人同声说供手 二位仆人说：我主亚伯拉罕，前面摩利亚山到了，亚伯拉罕也用望去。
亚伯拉罕说：好，到了，到了。
亚伯拉罕说：仆人们，你们两人和驴在山脚下等我们，我和我儿子以撒两人上山去拜耶和华神，我们拜一拜就回来和你们一同回家。
二位仆人供手同声说：我主，仆人遵命，二人就把柴卸下给以撒背。
（仆人和驴下台）。
亚伯拉罕说： 我儿以撒，我们上山去敬拜耶和华我们的神。
以撒说： 爸，儿子遵命。
（说后，以撒背着柴二人一步一步向山上走去。
二人在台上走了一圈。
以撒问父亲） 以撒说： 爸，请看，火与柴都有了，爸，但燔祭的羊羔在哪里
亚伯拉罕说： 哈、哈、我儿，耶和华自己预备好作燔祭的羊羔。
(说了二人同行，到了一个地方，二人拿石头筑坛，把柴放在祭坛上摆好。
) 亚伯拉罕说： 我儿以撒 以撒说： 爸，我在这里。
亚伯拉罕说： 我儿，愿神祝福你，你要顺服，伸出你的手来。
以撒说： 我遵命顺服，说了就伸出手来。
亚伯拉罕就捆绑他的儿子以撒，就放在祭坛的柴上，亚伯拉罕伸手拿刀杀他的儿子，正好举起刀来。
耶和华的使者从天上呼叫亚伯拉罕，说：亚伯拉罕，亚伯拉罕。
亚伯拉罕说： 主啊，我在这里，（姿势亚伯拉罕立即放下刀，跪下举目望天。
） 使者说： 你不可在童子身上下，一点不可害他，现在我知道你是敬畏神了，因你没有将你的儿子，就是你独生的儿子留下不给我。
亚伯拉罕说： 啊们，（姿态亚伯拉罕站起，解开以撒的绳索，二人站着，亚伯拉罕举目观看，望见有一只公羊两角扣在稠密的小树中，）亚伯拉罕说：看哪，耶和华自己预备羊羔作燔祭。
（立即走到幕后，取了那只公羊来，二人一同把公羊劈开摆在柴上献为燔祭，代替以撒）。
（耶和华的使者第二次又从天上呼叫亚伯拉罕，） 使者说： 亚伯拉罕，亚伯拉罕。
（父子二人一同跪下举目望天。
） 亚伯拉罕说：我在这里。
（亚伯拉罕在使者说话，个啊门。
） 使者说： 耶和华说，你既行了这事，不留下你的儿子，就是你独生儿子，我便指着自己起誓说：论福，我必赐大福给你，论子孙，我必叫你的子孙多起来，如同天上的星，海边的沙，并且地上万国都必因你的后裔得福，因为你听从了我的话，父子二人一同说：啊们，（亚伯拉罕教导儿子怎存敬畏的心，耶和华是我们有真有活的神。
二人起来欢欢喜喜唱着哈利路亚下山，一步一步回到仆人那里。
仆人带着驴在西边出场来迎接主人，） 二位仆人供手同声说：主亚伯拉罕，你们回来了，其中以撒活泼地跳着叫小睛哥，小王哥，站在驴边， 亚伯拉罕说：好，我们回来了，我们一同回家去，（前后台音乐节奏（耶和华是爱。
） 凑毕行礼闭幕
