求搞笑的英语演讲稿3分钟左右
Tom and John are exchanging ideas.They are very good friends,yet they have never met.So how do they become friends? By computer! Now the Internet is being used by busnesses,governments and students.In fact,the Internet anyone can use it if his or her computer is connected to it. They can use the Internet to send the emails.Tom and John become friends because they both like the same music.They sent letters to the news group on the Internet where the can discuss it. They find than they have many things in common. 汤姆和约翰在交换意见。
他们是很好的朋友，但是他们从来没有见过面。
那么他们是怎么成为朋友的呢
通过电脑
现在网络被公司，政府和学生们使用。
实际上只要电脑连接在网络上，任何人都可以使用它。
他们可以用它来发送电子邮件。
汤姆和约翰成为朋友是因为他们喜欢同样的歌曲。
他们把邮件发送到网络上的新闻中心，在那里他们可以讨论。
他们发现他们有很多相同的地方。
跪求 英语课前三分钟的演讲稿 或者一些小故事、笑话也行 初一水平 （带翻译）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢
你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。
但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。
这个答案很
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。
Corn既可以表示“玉米\\\/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。
你说呢
求一篇5分钟左右 有趣的英语演讲稿。
要通俗易懂贴近生活、有趣。
幽默演讲——调侃自己（中英对照） 演讲者如何调侃自己作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.创新句子：你们或者睡觉，或者不睡，只要不打呼噜，我就接着讲。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。
当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡。
Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。
此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes.幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我。
我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
Let me put this into plain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。
演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
演讲开始时我们有一些共同点，你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道。
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么。
开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。
第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢
有人有舞台恐惧症，我没有；舞台不会怎么样我，是观众快把我吓死了
Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!幽默注释：stage fright舞台恐惧症，而不是舞台吓唬我。
我们每个人都希望能在某一时刻把时钟拨回去。
如果我能够把时钟拨回去45分钟，我就是这间房间里最幸福的人，我把演讲稿落在厨房桌子上了。
At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I’d be the happiest person in this room. Because that’s when I left my speech on the kitchen table.幽默注释：自己上台前还在刻苦练习，演讲稿落家里了，讲错了希望观众包涵。
我不想吹牛，但上次我演讲时所有的观众都站了起来，他们再也没有坐下，直到走到他们的汽车那儿。
I don’t want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its feet. And they never sat down again until they reached their cars.幽默注释：观众听他演讲，都站起来走了，他还在吹牛呢。
创新句子：我演讲时用一种平缓的语速娓娓道来，观众睡得很香甜。
如果我有点儿犹豫，你们一定要原谅我，这是我第一次饭后演讲——在卖当劳里冲我的小孩儿喊叫除外。
If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald’s.幽默注释：自嘲自己演讲没什么经验。
创新句子：你可能知道我已经养成了饭后演讲的习惯。
我不习惯面对这么多观众演讲，让我鼓起勇气的一件事情就是我在谈论我最喜欢的题目——我。
I’m not used to speaking to such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I’m speaking on my favorite subject --- me.幽默注释：电视上老是邀请一些名人在那儿大谈自己，这些人开场可以这么说。
人们总问我为什么我戴顶10加仑的红色帽子（或者一些其它非常显眼的衣服饰品），我告诉他们那是我采取的积极现实的生活态度。
我知道不管发生什么事情，善良的上帝总在注视着我们。
现在地球上有60亿人，我希望上帝能从芸芸众生中一眼就挑出我来。
People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I tell them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd.幽默注释：多么新颖的创意，戴顶绿帽子就想引起上帝注意。
创新句子：别再说谎了，趁上帝还没注意你。
如果你们允许我准备读我的讲稿，我有三个理由：第一，我记忆力非常差——其它两个原因我记不清了。
With your permission, I’m going to read this paper. I’m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory –and the other two I can’t remember.幽默注释：为自己忘词找好借口。
创新句子：我记忆力不好，我忘了把讲稿带来。
不必要的单词是精彩演讲的祸根，我再重复一遍…Unnecessary words are the bane of good speeches. Let me repeat that…幽默注释：这时候重复带来很好的效果。
创新句子：演讲时最忌讳重复，我再说一遍：千万不要重复。
有时候确实让人糊涂，你看见代表举起了胳膊，但你根本确定不了他是在凭良心选举还是在检查他的关节炎。
It did get a little confusing at times. If you saw a delegate raising his arm, you could never be quite sure if he was voting his conscience or testing his arthritis.幽默注释：有人举胳膊未必是在真心选你。
创新句子：选举时只要我关节炎不犯，我肯定会举手。
对不起，（从钱包里拽出一张纸币，象拿手绢一样，在上面打喷嚏，然后扔掉）如果说我憎恨什么的话，那就是炫耀。
Excuse me. (Pull a bill from your wallet, handle it as you would a handkerchief, sneeze and then throw the bill away and say) If there’s one I hate ostentation.幽默注释：炫耀吧，有钱人有炫耀的资本。
创新句子：我不想炫耀，有学问的人不爱炫耀。
你们都知道，在公司里我只要求员工三件事：诚实、正直和崇拜偶像。
As you know, in all these years with the company, I have only asked for three things from my staff: honesty, integrity and idolatry.
幽默又有意义的200词英文演讲稿带翻译
A schoolteacher used to take a short nap every afternoon. 有一位老师每个下午都要打一下盹儿。
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages. 当他的学生问他是怎么回事时，他回答说他到梦境中去见古代的圣人了。
One extremely hot day some of his pupils fell asleep in the classroom. When the school-teacher chided them, they said, We went to meet the sages in dreamland. 有一天，天气很热，有几个学生在教室里睡着了。
当这位老师斥责他们的时候，他们说：“我们去梦里见圣人了。
”What did they say? demanded the teacher. “他们说什么了
”老师问到。
We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.“我们问他们是不是每天下午都有一个老师去他们那儿，但是他们说没见过这个人。
”
英语幽默的演讲稿
A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. You're a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. 子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天的钱干什
” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回。
“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。
可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢
” “她是个卖糖果的。
”
急求英语课前三分钟的演讲稿
写一点笑话或者学习之类的
I Cant Let Him Get Away A male crab（螃蟹） met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away .So they got married immediately. The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. What happened? she asked. You used to walk straight before we were married. Oh, honey, he replied, I can't drink that much every day.不能让他跑了 一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。
她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。
哇
她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。
因此他们立刻结婚了。
第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。
她深感不安。
“你怎么了
”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。
” “哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多。
”
需要一篇不超过3分钟的英语演讲稿，要幽默有趣，中英对照
Ladies and Gentlemen, Good morning! I’m very glad to stand here and give you a short speech.Man’s life is a process of growing up, actually I’m standing here is a growth. If a person’s life must constituted by various choices, then I grow up along with these choices. Once I hope I can study in a college in future, however that’s passed, as you know I come here, now I wonder what the future holds for me. When I come to this school, I told to myself: this my near future, all starts here. Following I will learn to become a man, a integrated man, who has a fine body, can take on important task, has independent thought, an open mind, intensive thought, has the ability to judge right and wrong, has a perfect job. Once my teacher said :” you are not sewing, you are stylist; never forget which you should lay out to people is your thought, not craft.” I will put my personality with my interest and ability into my study, during these process I will combine learning with doing. If I can achieve this “future”, I think that I really grow up. And I deeply believe kindred, good-fellowship and love will perfection and happy in the future. How to say future? Maybe it’s a nice wish. Lets make up our minds, stick to it and surely well enjoy our life. 中文大意: 女士们，先生们，上午好。
我很高兴在这里为大家作一个简短的讲话。
人的一生是一个成长的过程，事实上，我现在站在这里也是一次成长。
如果一个人的一生必须面临不同的选择，那么我就是伴随着这些选择成长起来的。
曾经我盼望将来能上大学，然而那已经过去了，现在我在这儿，只想知道我的未来会是什么样的。
当我来到这所学校，我告诉我自己：我不久的将来都从这里开始。
接着我要学习如何做人，如何做一个正直的人，并且拥有一个健康的体魄，能承担重要的任务，能独立思考，思想开放，心思缜密，有判断是非的能力，有一份不错的工作。
我的老师曾经告诉我说：“你不是在修补而是在创造；永远不要忘记你向人们所展示的是你的思想，而不是你的手艺。
”我会将我的性格，兴趣爱好和能力一起融入到学习中去。
在这过程中，我边学习边实践。
如果我能实现这个“未来”，我就认为我真的成长了。
并且我深信我的亲人，好朋友以及爱会使我的未来更完美，更幸福。
如何来解释未来呢? 也许那只是一个美好的愿望。
让我们下定决心，坚持到底，那我们的人生一定能过得很精彩。
My Dream I dream of being a doctor. My mother is a doctor. She always has to work extra hours and comes home late and tired. She has to go to the hospital immediately any time she is needed, no matter how late it is at night. When I was very little and still in primary school, I once asked her why she chose such a boring and hard job. She answered with a smile, “Yes I am sometimes very tired but seeing my patients getting better and better makes me happy from the bottom of my heart.” As I grow up, I gradually come to understand her words and realize doctors are noble. I made up my mind to be a doctor when I was in junior school and this has never changed since then. I really hope to see a world where there is no cancer, no Aids, no fatal disease, no one suffering from illness. But this is only a fantasy. What about the reality? There are still many many people who are faced with disastrous disease and suffering from constant pain. There are still many many people living in miserable condition and live miserably. There are still many many people dying of cancer and leaving the beautiful world reluctantly. All those things make me feel sad because I think everyone has the right to live . I want to help the sick and reduce their pain as much as I can. I want to bring a healthy body to the patients and save their lives as many as I can. I want to see people cured ,living happily with their families and friends after my treatment. So I want to be a doctor ,an angel in white. When I become a doctor, I will cherish each life regardless of the races, sexes, ages, positions and occupations. I will do every bit to cure the incurable. I already have a dream in my heart,so I have to make every effort to realize it.As a high school student now,I will seize every chance to study hard,arm myself with knowledge, prepare myself for the future and strive for my dreams. I will be determined, face the reality bravely and not surrender to any problems I meet. Is’s like Gothe says,“The important thing in life is to have a great aim and be determined to attain it.”Being a doctor is my dream. I think it is simple but meanful 我的梦想 我梦想将来成为一个医生。
我的妈妈是一位白衣天使。
她经常早出晚归，只要医院有需要，她立刻赶去，无论有多晚。
在我小学的时候，我曾经问她，为什么要选择这样一个枯燥无味的工作。
她笑着说，的确有时我也感觉很累，但是看到我的病人慢慢病愈，我从心底高兴。
等到我长大一些，逐渐理解了她的话，也意识到医生有多么的光荣，我下定决心成为一名医生，从那以后，这成为了唯一的理想，至今未变。
我真心希望看到一个没有任何疾病的世界，但是这只是一个幻想。
真实是什么样子的呢
很多人承受着疾病的折磨，很多人生活在一个绝望的困景中，也有很多人被癌症夺走了生命失去了生活在美好世界的机会……这一切的一切让我觉得很伤心，每个生命都是鲜活的。
我想用自己的力量去帮助那些人，减轻他们的痛苦，同时也减轻了我的痛苦。
我想还给他们一个健康的身体，尽自己的努力去拯救更多的人，我更想看到在我的帮助后他们幸福、快乐地与家人生活在一起，所以我想成为一个医生， 一个白衣天使。
I当我成为一个医生，我会尽自己的最大能力去挽救生命，不论各族、性别、年龄、地位…… 我的内心中的梦想，促使我尽自己的努力去实现它。
现在我是一个中学生，我会好好学习，用知识武装自己，为我的未来和想想做准备。
既然下定决心做，我就会勇敢地面对所有遇到的困难，不畏艰险。
正如，歌德所说“人生中最重要的是树立目标并且义无返顾的实现它”成为一个医生是我的梦想，一个简单而有意思梦想
大家好
今天我演讲的题目是：如何提高我们的英文。
说真的，我非常高兴在这里说一说关于学英语的事情，尽管我只是英语的初学者。
英语学习网,免费提供英语论文、英语作文、英语演讲稿、英语考试、英文祝福语等文章。
大家都知道，英语是一门国际性的语言，尤其是中国已加入了WTO，学英语对我们来说是格外必要的。
但是你可能会问：“如何才能提高我们的英语呢
”那好，接下来我便给大家说一说提高英语的捷径。
首先，你应确信你已在发音技巧和语音方面下了很多功夫。
否则，你将会闹出很多笑话。
例如“我可以借一下你的自行车吗
”而你说成“我可以借一下你的后背吗
”“请递给我那个箱子”而由于你的错误发音，竟说成“请给我一个吻吧。
”很显然，在这两个句子中你读错了“自行车”和“盒子”这两个词，而对方也就自然误解了你的意思。
另外，语调的不同也可表达着不同的感情，举个例子：伦敦桥塌了
伦敦桥塌了
我的夫人
（声音高昂，表示高兴）伦敦桥塌了
伦敦桥塌了
我的夫人
（声音低沉，表示悲伤） 英语学习网,免费提供英语论文、英语作文、英语演讲稿、英语考试、英文祝福语等文章。
其次，大家都知道：熟能生巧。
当你在说英语时不要怕犯错误。
一方面，没有人会不犯错误的。
另一方面你可以从错误中总结教训，所以千万不要害羞，脸皮厚一点地大声说出来
最后，为了能够达到成功的顶峰，我们必须要有耐心。
无论怎么说，学英语(英语学习网)总是要花费时间的，所以你必须要有足够的勇气和一颗“永不言败”的心。
要牢牢地记住这句名言“罗马不是一天造成的
”How to improve our English Hello everyone. Today, I’d like to talk about“How to improve our English”. To be honest, I’m really happy to stand here and say something about learning English, even if I’m only a beginner of English. As everybody knows. English is an intern- ational language. What’s more China has ente- red the WTO. Therefore it’s necessary for us to learn it.But“how can I improve my English” you may ask. Well, I have some useful tips that I’d like to share with you. Firstly, make sure that you pay enough atte- ntion to your pronunciation and intonation. Otherwise, you might make yourself a laughing stock. For example,“Can I use your bike?”you say,“Can I use your back?”“Pass me the case, please”.you say,“pass me the kiss, please” Obviously, here you mispronounced the two words “bike”and “case”.That will certainly cause misunderstanding. Besides, tones of different voice can also mean difference. For instance,“London bridge is falling down, fall- ing down, my fair Lady”,“London bridge is falling down!”you are excited, again“London bridge is falling down, falling down, my fair Lady”,“London bridge is falling down”you are so sad, right? Secondly, practice makes perfect. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes when you practise speaking English. On one hand, you will learn from them, On the other hand, no one can avoid making mistakes, so don’t be shy, try to be thic- kskinned and speak up ! Finally, in order to improve our English, we need to be patient , Anyway, learning English takes time, so you must have a strong will and enough patience, Recember“Rome was not built in a day !” That’s all .thank you for your time.
