幽默搞笑的演讲稿
民国年间，军阀韩复渠斗字不识一升。
但他在任省主席时，却爱冒充斯文，到处讲演。
他在齐鲁大学的一次演讲，就是一篇难得的奇文: 诸位、各位、在齐位：今天是什么天气，今天就是演讲的天气。
来宾十分茂盛，敝人也实在感冒。
今天来的人不少咧，看样子大体有8\\\/5啦，来到的不说，没来的把手举起来
很好，都来了
今天兄弟召集大家来训一训，兄弟有说得不对的，大家应该相互原谅。
你们是文化人，都是大学生、中学生、留洋生。
你们这些乌合之众是科学科的，化学化的，都懂得七八国英文，兄弟我是大老粗，连中国的英文都不懂。
你们大家都是笔杆子里爬出来的，我是炮筒子里钻出来的。
今天来这里讲话，真使我蓬荜生辉，感恩戴德。
其实，我没有资格给你们讲话，讲起来嘛，就像对牛弹琴，也可以说是鹤立鸡群了。
今天，不准备多讲，先讲三个纲目。
蒋委员长的新生活运动，兄弟我举双手赞成。
就一条，行人靠右走，著实不妥。
大家想想，行人都靠右走，那左边留给谁呢
还有件事，兄弟我想不通。
外国人在北京东交民巷都建立了大使馆，就缺我们中国的。
我们中国为什么不在那儿建个大使馆呢
说来说去，中国人真是太软弱了。
第三个纲目，学生篮球赛，肯定是总务长贪污了。
那学校为什么会那么穷酸
十来个人穿著裤衩抢一个球，像什么样
多不雅观。
明天到我公馆领笔钱，多买几个球，一人发一个，省得再你争我抢的。
今天这里没有外人，也没有坏人，所以我想告诉大家三个机密：第一个机密暂时不能告诉大家，第二个机密的内容跟第一个机密一个样，第三个机密前面两点已经讲了，今天的演讲就到这里，谢谢诸位。
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三分钟英文演讲稿
要简单的
楼主你好
你看这篇怎样。
LeBron Raymone James(born December 30, 1984) is anAmericanprofessionalbasketballplayer for theCleveland Cavaliersof theNational Basketball Association(NBA). Nicknamed King James, he was a three-time Mr. Basketball ofOhioin high school, and was highly promoted in the national media as a future NBA superstar while a sophomore atSt. Vincent–St. Mary High School. At just 18, he was selected with thenumber one pickin the2003 NBA Draftby the Cavaliers and signed aUS million shoe contract withNikebefore his professional debut. Listed as asmall forward, James has set numerousyoungest player recordssince joining the league. He was named the NBARookie of the Yearin2003–04,NBA Most Valuable Playerin2008–09, andhas been bothAll-NBAand anAll-Starevery season since 2005. 主要是介绍他的成长以及一些高中时的历程
需要一篇不超过3分钟的英语演讲稿，要幽默有趣，中英对照
My fellow citizens:我的同胞I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.今天我站在这里，看到眼临的重大任务，深感卑微。
我你们对我的信也知道先辈们为了这个国家所作的牺牲。
我要感谢布什总统为国家做出的贡献，以及感谢他在两届政府过渡期间给与的慷慨协作。
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.迄今为止，已经有44个美国总统宣誓就职。
总统的宣誓有时面对的是国家的和平繁荣，但通常面临的是乌云密布的紧张形势。
在紧张的形势中，支持美国前进的不仅仅是领导人的能力和远见，也在于美国人民对国家先驱者理想的信仰，以及对美国立国文件的忠诚。
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.前辈们如此，我们这一代美国人也要如此。
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our healthcare is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.现在我们都深知，我们身处危机之中。
我们的国家在战斗，对手是影响深远的暴力和憎恨；国家的经济也受到严重的削弱，原因虽有一些人的贪婪和不负责任，但更为重要的是我们作为一个整体在一些重大问题上决策失误，同时也未能做好应对新时代的准备。
我们的人民正在失去家园，失去工作，很多企业倒闭。
社会的医疗过于昂贵、学校教育让许多人失望，而且每天都会有新的证据显示，我们利用能源的方式助长了我们的敌对势力，同时也威胁着我们的星球。
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.统计数据的指标传达着危机的消息。
危机难以测量，但更难以测量的是其对美国人国家自信的侵蚀--现在一种认为美国衰落不可避免，我们的下一代必须低调的言论正在吞噬着人们的自信。
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.今天我要说，我们的确面临着很多严峻的挑战，而且在短期内不大可能轻易解决。
但是我们要相信，我们一定会度过难关。
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.今天，我们在这里齐聚一堂，因为我们战胜恐惧选择了希望，摒弃了冲突和矛盾而选择了团结。
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.今天，我们宣布要为无谓的摩擦、不实的承诺和指责画上句号，我们要打破牵制美国政治发展的若干陈旧教条。
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.美国仍是一个年轻的国家，借用《圣经》的话说，放弃幼稚的时代已经到来了。
重拾坚韧精神的时代已经到来，我们要为历史作出更好的选择，我们要秉承历史赋予的宝贵权利，秉承那种代代相传的高贵理念：上帝赋予我们每个人以平等和自由，以及每个人尽全力去追求幸福的机会。
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labour, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.在重申我们国家伟大之处的同时，我们深知伟大从来不是上天赐予的，伟大需要努力赢得。
（我们的民族一路走来），这旅途之中从未有过捷径或者妥协，这旅途也不适合胆怯之人、或者爱安逸胜过爱工作之人、或者单单追求名利之人。
这条路是勇于承担风险者之路，是实干家、创造者之路。
这其中有一些人名留青史，但是更多的人却在默默无闻地工作着。
正是这些人带领我们走过了漫长崎岖的旅行，带领我们走向富强和自由。
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the west; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.为了我们，先辈们带着微薄的细软，横渡大洋，寻找新生活；为了我们，先辈们忍辱负重，用血汗浇铸工厂；为了我们，先辈们在荒芜的西部大地辛勤耕作，定居他乡；为了我们，先辈们奔赴（独立战争中的）康科德城和葛底斯堡、（二战中的）诺曼底、（越战中的）Khe Sahn，他们征战、死去。
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.一次又一次，我们的先辈们战斗着、牺牲着、操劳着，只为了我们可以生活得更好。
在他们看来，美国的强盛与伟大超越了个人雄心，也超越了个人的出身、贫富和派别差异。
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.今天我们继续先辈们的旅途。
美国依然是地球上最富裕、最强大的国家。
同危机初露端倪之时相比，美国人民的生产力依然旺盛；与上周、上个月或者去年相比，我们的头脑依然富于创造力，我们的商品和服务依然很有市场，我们的实力不曾削弱。
但是，可以肯定的是，轻歌曼舞的时代、保护狭隘利益的时代以及对艰难决定犹豫不决的时代已经过去了。
从今天开始，我们必须跌倒后爬起来，拍拍身上的泥土，重新开始工作，重塑美国。
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise healthcare's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.我目之所及，都有工作有待完成。
国家的经济情况要求我们采取大胆且快速的行动，我们的确是要行动，不仅是要创造就业，更要为（下一轮经济）增长打下新的基础。
我们将造桥铺路，为企业铺设电网和数字线路，将我们联系在一起。
我们将回归科学，运用科技的奇迹提高医疗质量，降低医疗费用。
我们将利用风能、太阳能和土壤驱动车辆，为工厂提供能源。
我们将改革中小学以及大专院校，以适应新时代的要求。
这一切，我们都能做到，而且我们都将会做到。
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.现在，有一些人开始质疑我们的野心是不是太大了，他们认为我们的体制承载不了太多的宏伟计划。
他们是健忘了。
他们已经忘了这个国家已经取得的成就；他们已经忘了当创造力与共同目标以及必要的勇气结合起来时，自由的美国人民所能发挥的能量。
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
英语演讲稿3分钟带翻译
Keep Your Direction 坚持你的方向What would you do if you failed? Many people may choose to give up. However, the surest way to success is to keep your direction and stick to your goal.On your way to success, you must keep your direction. It is just like a lamp, guiding you in darkness and helping you overcome obstacles on your way. Otherwise, you will easily get lost or hesitate to go ahead.Direction means objectives. You can get nowhere without an objective in life.You can try to write your objective on paper and make some plans to achieve it. In this way, you will know how to arrange your time and to spend your time properly. And you should also have a belief that you are sure to succeed as long as you keep your direction all the time.翻译：如果了你会怎么做
很可能会选择。
然而，要想成功，最可靠的方法就是坚的方向和目标。
在通往成功的路上，你必须坚持你的方向。
它就像一盏灯，在黑暗中为你指路，帮助你度过难关。
否则，你很容易就会迷失方向或犹豫不前。
方向意味着目标。
人生如果没有目标，将一事无成。
你可以试着把你的目标写在纸上，并制定实现目标的计划。
这样，你就会懂得如何合理安排时间，如何正确地支配时间。
而且你还要有这样的信念：只要你一直坚持自己的方向，你就一定可以成功。
英语演讲稿 短一些 100至200个单词
As food is to the body, so is learning to the mind. Our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food. Likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity. Constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment. Learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty. Once learning stops, vegetation sets in. It is a common fallacy to regard school as the only workshop for the acquisition of knowledge. On the contrary, learning should be a never-ending process, from the cradle to the grave. With the world ever changing so fast, the cease from learning for just a few days will make a person lag behind. What's worse, the animalistic instinct dormant deep in our subconsciousness will come to life, weakening our will to pursue our noble ideal, sapping our determination to sweep away obstacles to our success and strangling our desire for the refinement of our character. Lack of learning will inevitably lead to the stagnation of the mind, or even worse, its fossilization, Therefore, to stay mentally young, we have to take learning as a lifelong career. 学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。
摄取了适量的营养食物，我们的身体得以生长而肌肉得以发达。
同样地，我们应该日复一日不断地学习以保持我们敏锐的心智能力，并扩充我们的智力容量。
不断的学习提供我们用不尽的燃料，来驱使我们磨利我们的推理、分析和判断的能力。
持续的学习是在信息时代中跟时代并驾齐驱的最稳当的方法，也是在变动的世代中成功的可靠保证。
一旦学习停止，单调贫乏的生活就开始了。
视学校为汲取知识的唯一场所是种常见的谬误。
相反地，学习应该是一种无终止的历程，从生到死。
由于世界一直快速地在变动，只要学习停顿数日就将使人落后。
更糟的是，蛰伏在我们潜意识深处的兽性本能就会复活，削弱我们追求高贵理想的意志，弱化我们扫除成功障碍的决心，而且扼杀我们净化我们人格的欲望。
缺少学习将不可避免地导致心灵的停滞，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。
因此，为了保持心理年轻，我们必须将学习当作一生的事业。
2．heavy schoolwork【课业繁重】 In my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy. While it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults. High should be allowed more time for play. Playing is not wasting time, as some think. It gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination. Which tends to be stifled by too much study. Finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally. I do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork. I do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole. 我认为目前高中生的课业实在太重了，虽然说学生的确应当念书，但是要想长大成为健全的人，他门还需要一些其它的东西，所以应该给高中生较多从事娱乐的时间。
娱乐并不如某些人所想的，是在浪费时间，它可以让学生锻炼身体，发挥被繁重课业扼杀的想象力。
此外，繁重的课业加诸在高中生身上的压力可能引起严重的情绪紧张，这对身心都有害。
我并非主张废除学校课业，但是我认为减轻目前繁重的课业对于学生和整个社会都是有益的。
3．Time【时间】 Lost time is never found again. This is something which I learned very clearly last semester. I spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer. I finally realized that something had to be done. It was time for a change. Now I have a new plan for using my time wisely. I have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour. This will give me a head start on the day. I have also decided to keep a log of what I do and when I do it. Looking back on what I’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time. 时光一去不复返，这是我上学期清楚学到的教训。
我浪费很多时间四处游荡，以致于我的成绩开始退步。
最后我终于了解到我必须有所作为；该是痛改前非的时候了。
现在我有一个明智运用时间的新方法。
我已将闹钟早拨半小时，这将使我这一天的作息提前开始。
我也决定将我所做的一切及做这些事的时间记录下来。
回顾我所做的事情会启发我如何重新安排我的时间。
4．Work and Play【工作与娱乐】 Work and play do not contradict each other; in fact, they complement each other. As the saying goes, All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. A life burdened with work leads you nowhere, for you would get tired and bored with your daily routine work. On the other hand, proper recreation will relieve the tension and discomfort of our monotonous life because it offers you various ways to let out your pent-up emotions. What I usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies. Usually I don't spare time for exercise, but I value the physical education class at school. Jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the day's pressure. On weekends, I'll catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment. I feel revived and energetic for another week's work-load. 工作与娱乐并不互相冲突，事实上，它们之间的关系还相辅相成。
有句格言说：「整日工作而没有休闲娱乐，会令人变得沉闷乏味。
」被工作重担压得喘不过气来的生活，将使你一事无成，因为你将对一成不变的例行公事感到厌烦。
由另一方面来说，适度的娱乐活动能提供各种管道，来渲泄你被压抑的情绪，减轻单调生活中的紧张与不悦。
放学之后，我最常做的休闲活动，便是慢跑与看电影。
通常我并不特地拨出时间来做运动，但是我很重视学校的体育课。
在操场上慢跑几圈，无疑地可以减轻一天的压力。
在周末时，我都去看早场电影，享受视觉飨宴。
如此一来，我将有如再生般的充沛活力，去面对下一星期的工作量。
5．My first Job【我的第一份工作】 My first job was at a cramming school. It was three years ago when I just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination. since I had nothing to do that summer, I decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence. I was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message. I worked eight hours a day, six days a week. The work was not difficult nor heavy to me and I guess I did well. The most delighted thing was perhaps that I could spend the money I earned all by myself. 我的第一份工作是在一家补习班做事。
那是三年前我刚从国中毕业，考完联考时的事了。
既然我那整个夏天都闲着没事，倒不如找份差事，尝尝独立赚钱的快乐。
我负责接听电话且纪录留言的工作。
我一天工作八小时，一星期工作六天。
那份工作对我而言既不困难亦不沉重，所以我想我还满称职的。
而最令人快乐的事大概莫过于花全部由自己赚来的钱了
6．My Favorite Sports【我最喜爱的运动】 Sports help everyone to keep healthy, happy, and efficient. So I pay special attention to games, especially table-tennis. Table tennis is my favorite game. I play it almost every day. Table-tennis is an ideal game us because it brings the whole body into action. It strengthens our muscles, expands our lungs, promotes the circulation of the blood, and causes a healthy action of the skin. Besides, it is very amusing and does not cost us much money. Table-tennis is very moderate; it is not so rough as football. It is an indoor game and can be played even on rainy days. Thus, it is my favorite kind of exercise. 运动能帮助每一个人保持健康、快乐和有效率。
所以我特别重视运动，特别是桌球，桌球是我最喜欢的运动。
我几乎每天玩。
桌球对我们而言，是一项理想的运动，因为它可以使我们全身运动，它可以增强我们的肌肉，扩张我们的肺部，促进血液循环，并且使肌肤产生健康作用，此外，它很有趣而且所费不多。
桌球是相当温和适中的，它不像足球那么粗野。
它是一种室内运动，甚至在下雨天也能玩。
因此，桌球是我最喜爱的一种运动。
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad, the boy said, there's only ONE policeman! 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。
这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。
他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思
” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。
如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。
” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀
”
