幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的）
下面的稿子说起来都是精彩的
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢
你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。
但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。
这个答案很有意思吧
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。
Corn既可以表示“玉米\\\/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。
你说呢
Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀
因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake.怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢
最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。
虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。
干什么的
-- 墓地守墓人。
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America. 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。
在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。
这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。
” Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。
” Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot. Why use my elbow and foot? Well, gosh, was the reply, You're not coming empty-hangded, are you? 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。
他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。
门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。
” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢
” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。
天哪，你总不会空着手来吧
”吝啬鬼回答。
Advice for Kid A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,Get the kid.忠告“年轻者” 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。
如果你只有65岁的话， 千万别进退休社区。
因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。
每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。
” Which woman? One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield. My husband looked up and said, Mom's here? 哪一位女人
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物， 回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。
当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。
” 我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了
”The doctor lives downstairs Doctor, she said loudly, bouncing into the room, I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me. He surveyed her from head to foot. Madam, he said at length, I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs. 医生住在楼下 “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。
” 他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。
第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。
第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。
” One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult. Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late. At this point, one passenger became furious. For Pete's sake, he shouted, If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night! 只剩一个引擎 一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。
但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。
只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。
” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦
我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。
但请你们相信好了。
只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。
” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。
” Logic Reasoning A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. Here is the situation, she said. a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank? A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings? 逻辑推理 小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。
她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。
于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。
他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。
谁能告诉我这是为什么
” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款
” [注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon. As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congreg ation. All who want to go to heaven，please rise. Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering Be seated, the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, All those who want to be with the devil, please rise. Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, Well, sir, he said, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it. 瞌睡者 牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。
一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。
于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。
”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。
在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来
”打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。
看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。
这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。
” THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word Sex had been spelled with an o. One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to Sox: Usually brown.某学校发给学生的健康调查表里有个错别字——把“性别”的“性”字写成了“袜”字。
一位母亲在为她的儿子填写表格时，在“袜别”的那栏填上了：“棕色为主。
” [注] 英语中sex（性）与sox（袜）只有一个字母之差。
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single?Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly. So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her? 约会 在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。
汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。
一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。
于是汤姆走了过去。
她问道，“您现在是单身吗
” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。
“我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她
”But the teacher cried The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did! 可是老师哭了 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。
他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。
这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。
他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。
他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样
你过的好吗
哭了没有
” “哭
”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。
” A Smart Housewife. A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed! 精明的家庭主妇 一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。
她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了
一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗
” Only cash and credit cards When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people. Do you take children? the man asked. No, sir, replied the clerk. Only cash and credit cards. 只算现金和信用卡 一个人打电话给一家汽车旅馆询问房租，旅馆的工作人员回答说 房租的多少取决于房间的大小和住客的人数。
“小孩儿算不算呢
”那人问道。
“不算，先生。
”服务员回答，“我们只算现金和信用卡。
” Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. It's all right, said a gentleman, don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite? Ah, yes, answered the little boy. I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too? 狗也知道这个谚语吗
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。
’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗
” Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. Look, said the elder brother. How nice these paintings are! Yes, said the younger, but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father? The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, Obviously he was painting the pictures. 父亲在哪儿
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀
” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。
那爸爸去哪儿了呢
” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。
”Do you think it's the light that's attracting them? Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. What d'ya want me to do, Doctor? Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes! the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy. Saints be praised, I... Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike. Soon the doctor delivers the next child. You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter. Thanks be to... Again the Doctor cuts in, Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern! Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. Doctor, asks Mike, Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?The poor husbandYou can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife, the man complained to his friend. She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。
”I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: Wake up, sir! I wasn't asleep, the man answered. Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed. I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car. 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。
售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒
” “我没有睡着。
”那个男人回答。
“没睡着
可是你眼睛都闭上了呀
” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。
”
求助一篇大学英语演讲稿，关于七宗罪的美德以及启示，好的再加分
可以先大概的讲下 七宗罪因为相对于七宗罪 天主教列出了七美德觉得对比地讲比较生动
剪彩礼仪小姐演讲稿
我演讲的题目是：文明礼仪伴我行在一个国家中个人是主体。
对于个人来说什么最重要呢
我想首先应该是具备文明素质，只有当每一个人都具备了文明素质，那么这个国家的整体素质才能提高。
不久前，曾看到这样一则报道，说的是新加坡，新加坡是一个通用英语的国家，这个国家的公共场所的各种标语大多是用英语书写。
但其中的一些文明礼貌的标语，如“不准随地吐痰”、“禁止吸烟”、“不准进入草坪”等却用中文书写。
为什么呢
人家回答：“因为有这些不文明行为的大多数是中国大陆的游客。
”为此，到新加坡考察的一位中学校长语重心长地说：“不文明行为也是国耻。
” 不知大家是否记得，中央电视台曾经报道，国庆节后的天安门广场，随处可见口香糖残迹，40万平方米的天安门广场上竟有60万块口香糖残渣，有的地方不到一平方米的地面上，竟有9块口香糖污迹，密密麻麻的斑痕与天安门广场的神圣和庄严形成了强烈反差。
以上的两个事例表明，文明其实是由细节构成的，反思我们的所作所为可见文明离我们还有一段距离。
在我们身边，在一部分同学身上，还存在着一些不文明的行为。
例如，在我们的校园内、楼梯上总能见到与我们美丽的校园极不和谐的纸屑，教室里、校园内食品袋、方便面盒随处可见，甚至有的同学认为：反正有值日的同学和清洁工打扫，扔了又何妨；再例如有的同学在教学楼走廊上追逐打闹，走路推推搡搡习以为常；还有部分同学相互之间讲脏话、粗话，随意攀爬树枝，甚至还有个别同学故意损坏学校的公共财物。
我们很多同学把文化知识的学习放在首位，而常常忽略了社会公德的培养，文明习惯的养成，而这恰恰从本质上展现出一个人的思想品质。
事实上，良好的行为习惯，是保证我们顺利学习的前提，也是树立健康人格的基础。
在学校没有良好的行为习惯的同学就可能目无纪律，不讲卫生，扰乱班级的学习环境。
相反，如果我们养成了文明的行为习惯，学习环境就一定是良好的、有序的。
我们知道：一个学校的学生具有良好的文明行为习惯，才能构建出优良的学习环境，创设出优良的学习气氛。
现在，我们正处于人生中最关键的成长时期，我们在这个时期的所作所为，将潜移默化的影响到我们自身的心理素质，而文明的行为就在帮助我们提高自身的心理素质，同时也完善了自身的道德品质，如果我们不在此时抓好自身道德素质的培养，那我们即使拥有了丰富的科学文化知识，于人于己于社会又有何用呢
所以，我们首先应该做一个堂堂正正的人，一个懂文明、有礼貌的谦谦君子，然后才是成才，不能做一部单纯掌握知识技能的机器，而要成为一个身心和谐发展的人。
文明就是我们素质的前沿，拥有文明，那我们就拥有了世界上最为宝贵的精神财富。
记得一位名人曾说：德行的实现是由行为构成的，而不是由文字。
无数事例表明，走向事业辉煌、开创成功人生的关键是高尚的情操。
代表民族未来的我们，需要学习和继承的东西有很多很多，然而最基本的问题是：我们究竟要以什么样的精神风貌，什么样的思想品质和什么样的道德水准去接过人类文明的接力棒。
南开大学校长在镜子上写了一句箴言：“面必争，发必理，衣必整，钮必结，头容正，肩容平，胸容宽，背容直，气象勿傲勿怠，颜色宜和宜静宜装。
” 作为一个中学生，我们必须明白自己的仪表起码必须符合学校的气氛和学生的身份，保持大方、得体的仪表，是对老师同学的一种尊重。
要养成良好的文明习惯，做文明中学生。
那么请我们每一个人管住我们的口，不说粗话、不随地吐痰；管住我们的手，不乱扔垃圾、不打架斗殴；管住我们的脚，不践踏草坪。
我相信，经过我们全体师生共同努力，一定会营造出一个文明美好的校园。
试想假如全国每一个校园都共同创建文明校园，那么我们民族的整体素质将大大提高，国家的综合实力将会大大加强，祖国的未来一定是繁荣昌盛、灿烂辉煌
文明礼仪是我们学习、生活的根基，是我们健康成长的臂膀。
没有了文明，就没有了基本的道德底线。
千学万学学做真人，说的就是学习应先学做人， 学做文明人，学做社会人， 清洁环境，文明校园，从我做起，从每一件小事做起，让文明礼仪之花在校园处处盛开。
求一小段议论文，面对抖音带给我们的利与弊，我们应该怎么做
利：一、打开新世界知大门；抖音上类视频，游、跳舞、滑板、小小姐姐，让我们从中学习到了别人积极的生活方式和态度，愉悦了身心。
二、给了我们一个展示的舞台；只要你有才华就能在抖音上展示给更多人看，让我们在现实生活之外，在网络世界做最真实的自己。
弊：一、不乏低俗、恶搞的视频；对一些有着恶趣味的人来说，抖音上的低俗、恶搞能使他们在生活中学以致用，并对社会、对他人造成不良影响二、三观不正的视频被大量点赞；一些三观不正的视频会对意志力薄弱的人，例如青少年，文化水平较低的人等造成潜移默化的影响三、用大量的时间去刷视频；抖音用户常常会感觉到15秒的视频很短，一刷却刷了一个小时，抖音正在渐渐毁掉你的自律该如何做：提高自我管理能力，取其精华，去其糟粕，不否认不拒绝抖音类的互联网新事物，但要坚守自身正确的核心价值观
