美式幽默英文演讲稿
A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement． A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor．How are you
“Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．” 16．心不在焉的老师 有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。
一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。
您怎么了
” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。
我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。
” by Leigh Hunt I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him． The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him，and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed： Master．“Now，young man，have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．） Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind
（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．） Pupil（raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No
” Master．“Zounds，young man
have a care how you provoke me
” Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing
” （Here a terrible thump．） Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．” 15．诵读课 李·亨特 当年我有个同学，入学比常规的年龄要迟，而且几乎完全不会读书。
那时有个学生用的阅读课本，叫做《传教士和印第安人的对话》。
课本不怎么样，尽是不得要领的论说和一些老生常谈。
那孩子常常手拿该课本出现在学校中央，身后站着教师。
授课即将开始。
那可怜的学生的毛病在于他读音节时语调深沉地拖长腔并略去应有的停顿。
他站立着，三心二意地看着书，一面向身子右边瞄去，因为打击将会来自那个方向。
教师盯视着他，手已摆出了打人的架势。
因为时隔已久，我的引述可能不很确切，但就我所忆，先生和学生的一次对话的要旨大致如下： 老师：“年轻人，小心点；要不我可要让你狠狠吃点苦头。
”（这是他的口头禅。
） 学生：（大难临头，身体猛然一摇闪，根本记不得在“传教士”一词后应该停顿。
）“传教士你能看见风吗
” （教师扇了他一耳光。
） 学生：（提高了嗓音，几乎是在哭喊，但仍不记得要停顿）“印第安人不能啊
” 教师：“该死
年轻人，小心点别惹我发火
” 学生：（一如既往漏掉停顿）“传教士那你怎么知道有这样一种东西呢
” （这时来了重重一击。
） 学生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因为我感觉到了。
” Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today． “It works like this，” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See
Bobby Burns
” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning
” 14．诗人的名字 我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。
“这个系统是这样的，”她说。
“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。
”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。
“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。
明白吗
警察燃烧
” “我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。
“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢
” Proctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched
Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair
” Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg，sir．” 13．右腿 学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里，浑身湿透
那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢
” 二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。
” Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．” “Yes，” said Landon，“he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．” 12．亚历山大大帝 兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。
老师有点不悦，对他说道： “兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。
亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。
” “是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。
博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。
” Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c”． Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”． 11．“班”和“笨驴” 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。
” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。
Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other． Last Saturday their mother said to them，“I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．” “Yes，Mummy，” the two boys answered，and they went out． They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy，” he said，“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors． “He's a bad boy，”his mother said．“How did he break it
” “I threw a stone at him，” Billy answered，“and he quickly moved down．” 10．是他的错 比利和波比都是小男孩。
他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。
上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。
去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。
” “是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。
他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。
“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。
”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。
“他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。
“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的
” “我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。
” Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child． Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too． One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor． Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about
”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered． “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．” 9．新生儿 泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。
现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。
一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。
泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。
” 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么
”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。
” “那没用，”帕特绝望地说。
“他会跟我们到那儿去的。
”
急
求一篇英语演讲稿（要幽默）
I want to be a headmaster when I grow up. Because I think that’s a good job. My school is in the forest. It’s very beautiful. I go to work by Benz at eight o’clock in the morning. The teachers in my school are kind and patient. The female teachers are good looking and young. The male teachers are handsome and strong. They are all hardworking so they get good salary. The children in my school have three classes in the morning. In the afternoon, they play and pick up mushrooms or strawberries in the forest. They have no homework. They are very happy! At four o’clock in the afternoon, I go home with kinds of mushrooms and fruits in my Benz. They are for my dinner. I want to be a headmaster of my own school. Because I think that's a good job. （这是我的演讲稿，希望采纳，谢谢）
求搞笑的英语演讲稿3分钟左右
Tom and John are exchanging ideas.They are very good friends,yet they have never met.So how do they become friends? By computer! Now the Internet is being used by busnesses,governments and students.In fact,the Internet anyone can use it if his or her computer is connected to it. They can use the Internet to send the emails.Tom and John become friends because they both like the same music.They sent letters to the news group on the Internet where the can discuss it. They find than they have many things in common. 汤姆和约翰在交换意见。
他们是很好的朋友，但是他们从来没有见过面。
那么他们是怎么成为朋友的呢
通过电脑
现在网络被公司，政府和学生们使用。
实际上只要电脑连接在网络上，任何人都可以使用它。
他们可以用它来发送电子邮件。
汤姆和约翰成为朋友是因为他们喜欢同样的歌曲。
他们把邮件发送到网络上的新闻中心，在那里他们可以讨论。
他们发现他们有很多相同的地方。
幽默又有意义的200词英文演讲稿带翻译
A schoolteacher used to take a short nap every afternoon. 有一位老师每个下午都要打一下盹儿。
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages. 当他的学生问他是怎么回事时，他回答说他到梦境中去见古代的圣人了。
One extremely hot day some of his pupils fell asleep in the classroom. When the school-teacher chided them, they said, We went to meet the sages in dreamland. 有一天，天气很热，有几个学生在教室里睡着了。
当这位老师斥责他们的时候，他们说：“我们去梦里见圣人了。
”What did they say? demanded the teacher. “他们说什么了
”老师问到。
We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.“我们问他们是不是每天下午都有一个老师去他们那儿，但是他们说没见过这个人。
”
求一篇介绍英语学习方法的演讲稿，我是高一学生，正在学语法和事态，复制的就免了，最好幽默风趣一些（本
Hi,everybody.Today I want to talk about the method of study Emglish.Nowadays,many students' English are worse and worse.So that,I give your some suggestions.First,speak with foreigns So that you can get to know what level is your English.Then,we can stick to your level to read more English book So that you can study grammer and tense and also study more new words.I hope my suggestions is useful to you.This is the end of my sharing.Thank you for you attention.<收起
求一篇一分钟的，幽默，简短的英语演讲稿~用来在班上当众演讲，中学水平，但是，同学听懂才是关键
请采纳我的问题 1、一个女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的订婚戒指，但竟没有一个同学注意到，令她忿忿不平。
到下午大家坐着谈天的时候，她突然站起来大声说：“哎呀，这里真热呀，我看我还是把戒指脱下来吧。
” 2、女主人把女佣叫到面前问她：“你是否怀孕了
” “是啊
”女佣回道。
“亏你还说得出口，你还没有结婚，难道不觉得害羞吗
”女主人再次训。
“我为什么要害羞，女主人你自己不也怀孕了吗
” “可是我怀的是我丈夫的
”女主人生气地反驳。
“我也是啊
”女佣高兴地附和。
3、一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服，就是把口子在后面扣上，可以挡风。
一天他酒后驾驶， 翻了，一头栽在路旁。
警察赶到： 警察甲：好严重的车祸。
警察乙：是啊，脑袋都撞到后面去了。
警察甲：嗯，还有呼吸，我们帮他把头转回来吧。
警察乙：好.....一、二使劲，转回来了。
警察甲：嗯，没有呼吸了....... 4、在一条七拐八拐的乡村公路上，因为时常发生车祸，所以常常有一些鬼故事发生，有一天晚上，有一个出租车司机看见路边有一个长发披肩，身着白衣的女人向他招手，因为这个司机没有见过鬼，所以大胆的停下来让她上车了，这一路上,司机虽然不信有鬼，心里也毛毛的，所以时常从后视镜看后面的女人，开着开着，突然司机发现那个女人不见了
司机吓了一大跳，赶紧踩了一个刹车
只见那个女人满脸是血，表情狰狞。
司机吓的牙直打颤。
突然那女人开口了：“你会不会开车啊
我低头系个鞋带你突然一刹车我把鼻子都撞破了……” 5、一个病人去看病，医生检查了他，皱着眉头说：“您病得太严重了，恐怕不会活多久了。
” 病人：“求您告诉我我还能活多久
” 医生：“十……” 病人着急地问：“十什么
十年
十个月十天
” 医生：“十，九，八，七，六，五……” 6、老师：“你能说一些18世纪科学家共同特点吗
” 学生：“能，他们都死了。
” 7、犀粪蜣和蚊子谈恋爱，蜣问蚊子是做什么工作的，蚊子说：“护士，打针的。
”蜣一拍大腿：“缘分呐，我是中药局搓药丸的…” 8、一非洲人住在某一宾馆。
夜半，起火，不明原因。
非洲人见状顾不了那么许多，光着身子就跑出去了。
消防员见状惊呼：“我的妈呀
都烧的糊了吧区的了还能跑那么快
” 9、一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。
于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。
那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。
”于是他开始打点行李。
一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊
”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。
” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准
咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头
” 10、牧师对买了他马和马车的农夫说：“这匹马只能听懂教会的语言，叫感谢上帝它就跑;叫赞美上帝它才停下。
”农夫将信将疑，他试着喊了一声感谢上帝，那匹马立刻飞奔起来，越跑越快。
一只跑到悬崖边上惊恐的农夫才想起让它停下来的口令“赞美上帝”。
果然，马停下来了。
死里逃生的农夫长出一口气：“感谢上帝………”我打了很久，请采纳
求一篇5分钟左右 有趣的英语演讲稿。
要通俗易懂贴近生活、有趣。
幽默演讲——调侃自己（中英对照） 演讲者如何调侃自己作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.创新句子：你们或者睡觉，或者不睡，只要不打呼噜，我就接着讲。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。
当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡。
Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。
此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes.幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我。
我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
Let me put this into plain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。
演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
演讲开始时我们有一些共同点，你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道。
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么。
开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。
第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢
有人有舞台恐惧症，我没有；舞台不会怎么样我，是观众快把我吓死了
Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!幽默注释：stage fright舞台恐惧症，而不是舞台吓唬我。
我们每个人都希望能在某一时刻把时钟拨回去。
如果我能够把时钟拨回去45分钟，我就是这间房间里最幸福的人，我把演讲稿落在厨房桌子上了。
At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I’d be the happiest person in this room. Because that’s when I left my speech on the kitchen table.幽默注释：自己上台前还在刻苦练习，演讲稿落家里了，讲错了希望观众包涵。
我不想吹牛，但上次我演讲时所有的观众都站了起来，他们再也没有坐下，直到走到他们的汽车那儿。
I don’t want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its feet. And they never sat down again until they reached their cars.幽默注释：观众听他演讲，都站起来走了，他还在吹牛呢。
创新句子：我演讲时用一种平缓的语速娓娓道来，观众睡得很香甜。
如果我有点儿犹豫，你们一定要原谅我，这是我第一次饭后演讲——在卖当劳里冲我的小孩儿喊叫除外。
If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald’s.幽默注释：自嘲自己演讲没什么经验。
创新句子：你可能知道我已经养成了饭后演讲的习惯。
我不习惯面对这么多观众演讲，让我鼓起勇气的一件事情就是我在谈论我最喜欢的题目——我。
I’m not used to speaking to such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I’m speaking on my favorite subject --- me.幽默注释：电视上老是邀请一些名人在那儿大谈自己，这些人开场可以这么说。
人们总问我为什么我戴顶10加仑的红色帽子（或者一些其它非常显眼的衣服饰品），我告诉他们那是我采取的积极现实的生活态度。
我知道不管发生什么事情，善良的上帝总在注视着我们。
现在地球上有60亿人，我希望上帝能从芸芸众生中一眼就挑出我来。
People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I tell them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd.幽默注释：多么新颖的创意，戴顶绿帽子就想引起上帝注意。
创新句子：别再说谎了，趁上帝还没注意你。
如果你们允许我准备读我的讲稿，我有三个理由：第一，我记忆力非常差——其它两个原因我记不清了。
With your permission, I’m going to read this paper. I’m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory –and the other two I can’t remember.幽默注释：为自己忘词找好借口。
创新句子：我记忆力不好，我忘了把讲稿带来。
不必要的单词是精彩演讲的祸根，我再重复一遍…Unnecessary words are the bane of good speeches. Let me repeat that…幽默注释：这时候重复带来很好的效果。
创新句子：演讲时最忌讳重复，我再说一遍：千万不要重复。
有时候确实让人糊涂，你看见代表举起了胳膊，但你根本确定不了他是在凭良心选举还是在检查他的关节炎。
It did get a little confusing at times. If you saw a delegate raising his arm, you could never be quite sure if he was voting his conscience or testing his arthritis.幽默注释：有人举胳膊未必是在真心选你。
创新句子：选举时只要我关节炎不犯，我肯定会举手。
对不起，（从钱包里拽出一张纸币，象拿手绢一样，在上面打喷嚏，然后扔掉）如果说我憎恨什么的话，那就是炫耀。
Excuse me. (Pull a bill from your wallet, handle it as you would a handkerchief, sneeze and then throw the bill away and say) If there’s one I hate ostentation.幽默注释：炫耀吧，有钱人有炫耀的资本。
创新句子：我不想炫耀，有学问的人不爱炫耀。
你们都知道，在公司里我只要求员工三件事：诚实、正直和崇拜偶像。
As you know, in all these years with the company, I have only asked for three things from my staff: honesty, integrity and idolatry.
